When you have passed 40 you should know better. You should be mature enough to grant yourself permission to just be and do what you want to do. If that is what you want.

You are old and comfortable enough to leave the house with no makeup and with not so presentable clothing. But you are angry with your body for not giving you more, for not running faster, for not lifting heavier but at the same time you are old and smart enough to know your limits.

You are old enough to accept that your body looks the way it does but at the same time wish it was a little bit younger and stronger. And maybe a little bit better looking. Everything slips a little and sinks a few inches. I remember boobs, it was awesome. Kids and exercising make some body parts shrink and some grow and you can’t always make that decision yourself. Accepting and liking are not the same.

You are at that point in your life when you still haven’t figured out how this life thing works but it seems to work out anyway. It’s a lot about winging it. Every day.

Your brain basically reached its capacity. If you add on extra information something else slips out. You remember recipes and old phone numbers but you can’t seem to learn that last pin for your new Visa card. Again. And passwords…sigh. And names, at least you remember faces.

The tolerance level for mean and plain stupid people hit bottom, and you are old enough to choose your own company and friends. It gets easier to say no.

With all that said I should be old and smart enough to be able to take care of myself and make my own decisions. I have figured out why I am having second thoughts when it comes to the race in June. (I know it’s just a race but since this blog is about very small glimpses of my life I choose to make a big deal out of it.) When you feel it in your heart, in your whole body, in your mind, when it’s in your thoughts, then you know it is right for you. I don’t feel it. It sure is in my thoughts but I feel uncomfortable and listless when I think about it. Scared is not the right word but not far from. Uncomfortable can be really good as long as you work on getting more comfortable. I have aches and pains in more than one body part that keeps getting worse and I add on new all the time. Foot, knee and shoulder, kind of essential parts for swimming, biking and running. And it has messed up my sleep for a long time. I wake up all the time thinking about swimming. Last nights sleep, waking up 14 times, not a good sign.

I’ve been looking forward to all races I’ve done in the past 6 years. Sometimes with fear but the fear usually goes away the more you run or prepare. I remember my first marathon, I felt really worried the first weeks but the more you run the more you build your confidence. And on race day you really look forward to get it done. When we pile it on we usually grow stronger. We get more capable and work more effortless. Mileage, weights, laps, burdens… over time we build it up and grow stronger. But when we do things in a careless way you don’t really grow stronger, you usually feel impatient and might not comprehend why you don’t move forward and up. You might even become weaker since your body and mind don’t work together. You don’t get very far when you do things half-assed. When you don’t want it bad enough you don’t try hard enough, right. A bad sign for me is that I’ve been wearing more ‘human clothes’ and less running tights. And my hair has actually been dry a few hours every day. I make excuses and feel tired. I focus a lot on my problems instead of thinking past them. That is not me and I don’t recognize myself at all.

I just have to admit that this is not my dream. It sounds so cool when I hear people talk about it. The ultimate race. But someone else’s dream is not my dream. Maybe next year, in 5 or 10 years, or never, not in June.

What to do now? I have no clue. I am from today without a goal. I have no reason to get up at 5am and run. I don’t have a reason to run hills or hard intervals on Wednesdays. My long runs and long bike rides might not be done. How does it feel? Not good at all. Empty. I actually cried when I sent off the email to my most excellent coach this morning. I am not just letting myself down, I have wasted other peoples time. So, if I know myself I will still have my old training program in the back of my head for a while, try my limits a little, get up at 5am every once in a while, run my hills and I will keep on running my long runs since that’s what makes me happy. I might even sign up for a race or two to keep me going.

Later, I am going for a run…