Feeling like “beeeep”

This past weekend I woke up and turned into the bitch from “beep”, I felt it when I opened my eyes Saturday morning and reached for my phone. Or more rolled out of bed to reach my phone since it is on my right side that is strapped up in a sling resting beautifully on an extra pillow. A very graceful roll. The grey’s in my hair is more visible then ever. The pale face is extra blueish. My body is extra everything with a sling on top of it. I look angry and old. What happened? I see it when I walk down the stairs. Stuff. Things. And a layer of dirt. Our house turned into a dorm room. I’ve been stepping over clothes, shoes, books, bags, kneepads, deflated balloons, etc. without really caring. And do I care now? Oh, yes. I woke up from a 17 day surgery depression feeling like “beep”. On a regular day I pick up stuff, move things around, wipe things off, fold laundry, empty garbage… I vacuum at least the kitchen every day, change towels, clean the kitchen, a get fresh grocery’s… I have done the absolute minimum for 17 days. Answering emails with my left hand takes double amount of time, prepping schoolwork takes days. Imagine how much stuff 5 adults with at least one practice per day, lunch bags, snack bags, homework, five extra computers… generate. Add on at least 10 changes of clothes including shoes every day since we are blessed with 3 teenage girls. I’ve done the regular 2-3 loads per day laundry but can’t fold it, so imagine what happens. I chopped an onion on Thursday. One onion, it felt like running a marathon. Unloading the dishwasher with one hand takes forever so I just give up. I have a butternut squash that has been staring at me for days. What did I think when I bought a whole squash and not the already cut up ones? How do you cut it up with one left hand? But I am awake now. And I am truly sorry for my behavior.

Biggest accomplishment so far: I am extremely right handed. I am lost without my right hand and I think it is connected to how my brain works, scary stuff. Filling up the car, swiping my card, unlocking the door, brushing my teeth… almost impossible. I managed to eat sushi with chop sticks with my left hand people! It is HUGE! I still have both my eyes.

Three weeks in, 30 something weeks to go and I just opened up my frozen membership at CrossFit. I am done. I am ready to move on but with the stinky sling still on. I should take a picture and post it on every single social media page I have, but let’s not push it people. It’s still a fine line between happy and insane.

The horrible mood changed after the weekend, after a very ugly breakdown throwing stuff and screaming not very pretty things. My Band and I are friends again. It gave me a nice 15000 steps and +2000 calories yesterday. We work together and we are doing fine.

This might be the end of a very special love story

I have always disliked running watches and have always struggled a bit when I used all my different performance gadgets. Heartrate straps are always uncomfortable, the watch is usually too big, not charging, not syncing etc. I’ve had moments when I really had to know I far I had transported my body on land or in the water. The training for ÖtillÖ was an endless up and down Idlywood and the pool, 1k in the water, 10k on land and over and over again for many hours. You need to keep your numbers ticking when you are training for a marathon or two. It’s good to know walking up a mountain how many more feet of elevation you have left and when the sun will set. My problem has been that my latest Garmin died on me 18 hours in and I’ve had to have a backup watch in my pack. In real life, every other regular day when running or biking you really mostly care what time it is and how far you’ve gone. And then we have the heart thing. You want to know how hard your heart is working, and if it’s working. And you want to be able wear it all the time, not for hours every now and then.

I got my Band a while ago and I fully embraced it, I seriously lived through my Band for a few months. I know a lot of people complained about the squared design and the Matrix look. I really grew to like it and came to that point that I never took it off. I got hooked on my sleeping pattern which seriously sucked and still does. And why was I faster that Tuesday and how much my heart rate went up if I ran with a heavy pack or late at night. Or if you don’t sleep enough. It was just easy, it was already in my phone when I got home. No difficult syncing and just about enough info. It even told me how long I should recover after a long run or a ride and it sure gave me a boost when I should recover 36 hours or so from a tough one. And it made me leave my phone in the purse since I could check the importance of messages and emails and choose if I should answer or wait.

My Band is dissing me. We used to love each other, dearly. It gave me instant gratification and 15000 steps per day on a slow day. It gave me 6 hours of solid sleep and 45 beats per minute rest heart rate. It gave me long runs and intense weight sessions. And now here I am, comparing, checking data, sleep and even calories. And just how miserable is it? Very! From loving every number that was constantly ticking and adding and now hating slow moving numbers and a very useless body. I have sunk so low that I am checking calories because it doesn’t feel like I move a single step all day. And I don’t really move much. So what do you do when a sweet love story ends? You dump it and then you upgrade. I think I need to preorder the Band 2.

Shoulder surgery

Take your time reading this because it took me forever to write this with my left hand. Life is dandy. Five days after surgery and I am up. I am not going to bother you with a lot of details but it was all you could wish for. A nice comfy table, bright lights and sharp knives. The only thing that really worries me every time is the oxygen mask and the intubation, I know it’s kind of childish. I don’t like when people are holding stuff over my mouth. Last thing I remember is that I refused to get the mask fastened and I talked them into holding it myself. Two breaths and I am gone, same thing every time. And then it’s all over and I wake up with a sore throat. Everything went ok, I got a shoulder lift, new anchors and lots of stitches. Ice eating starts. And the getting dressed part is always interesting. This time I actually considered going home without something on waste up. Why bother? I am glad I didn’t get to decide.

The first day after felt pretty good and then the nerve block and meds eased off. Had a bit of side effects from the anesthesia as always, it’s not my thing really. I got the enormous bandage off day 2 and that was a little bit of a disappointment. I was promised that they were going to use my old holes from the last surgery but they gave me four new ones that looks like massive bullet holes. That makes it 8 holes all together and I guess my shoulder will look like Swiss cheese from now on. Evening day 2 I decide to go to the kids’ volleyball games. Not a very good idea. Can’t say I remember much except sweating buckets and feeling extremely uncomfortable, but they both won. Day 3, watched 4 movies and went to the grocery store in the afternoon. I can’t remember any of the movies I saw but know I considered making my own pizza dough with my left when planning dinner walking down the isles at QFC. Day 4, Saturday. Took a shower, drove the car and had to remove the huge sling to drive, walked around Redmond with one of the kids, went to a volleyball tournament. Woke up at 3am in grueling pain and for a short time considered chopping my arm off. No fun. So here I am at day 5 sitting still and thinking of taking a shower. And I am going to think about it for a while. I kind of moved a little bit too fast and need to take a step back. Of all the injuries and surgeries over the past years I think the shoulder of your dominant hand must be the worst. I can’t do anything. Laying down doesn’t work, sitting is uncomfortable and standing is even worse. Too tired to read, too bored to watch another movie. Looking forward to 2016 when I will be able to button my pants and get my hair up in a ponytail.

Two functioning arms

It feels like it’s been close to a whole rotation of Earth since my last post. Where in the holy cheeseballs does time go? It’s the last few days of playing the air guitar and practicing my touchdown moves. A few more days to go before a night of starvation, a few hours on the table and months of endless rehab. I have to admit I am not looking forward to this one. The nurse called today and asked if I felt ready, they must have sensed that I really don’t want to do this and that I might even plan to run away before Tuesday. FullSizeRender

They asked the usual questions… any crazy diseases, sleep apnea or any other bad habits. It really cracks me up every time they ask about tobacco, alcohol and recreational drugs. Recreational drugs? This is the only place on earth where recreational drugs apparently are ok. The rest of the world understands that it is dangerous. You better count your brain cells people. Make sure you get your vitamin D, wear a seatbelt and drink your milk people, and then smoke some weed on your time off.

I am making lists, trying to figure out what I need to do and take care of as long as I have two functioning arms. Find a sub for school, work a little bit, prep lessons (have a new class of intense 6 year olds  again), iron, clean the house, mow the lawn one more time, prep dinners, bake… and the thing I do is going to the gym and now I am sitting here drinking coffee and eating. I baked and I am doing my best to finish a lot of it. When this is done and over with I will have to enlist a personal shamer, ahh I mean trainer, a personal coach to get life back on track or mostly to find me a new hobby and to teach me how to enjoy a slower life with long walks and light weights. Find some other type of racing that not includes shoulder dislocations and infections. Hey, slow walks and lifting light, it sounds like a Costco run…and there is nothing I dislike more. Hey, it’s basically the same price tag as Adventure Racing. You walk through the door and you owe 400.


Went through old programs and found this. Apparently I’ve worked out with only arm before.

The reality, people, is that life kind of sucks. Not just a little bit, real hard. Like, “hey, I heard 2012 was pretty nice for you so let’s throw in some sickness, pains and injuries in 2015 to make up for those fantastic and glorious days. And my mind is constantly with parts of the fantasticfighterfam in Sweden. I will even include a cheesy song for my sister at the end of this post.

I’ve got some interesting advice from a lot different people the past weeks and the sooner I can figure out how to accept unwanted advice gracefully the better. I know that you should always take every piece of advice anyone ever gives you with a grain of salt. But hearing that I should do nothing (or at most stretch a little bit) for 6 months or so is ridiculous. That’s just an insult. I have a theory that with rest comes movement. The body needs to heal up but it also needs to stay in movement, that’s what I am used to. You just have to make sure you move the right body parts. I am looking forward to some bike and versa time.

The kids have been home sick from school the past week and I tried to outsmart the bacteria but I finally lost the battle too. We hope this week will give us new strength and lots of oxygen in our lungs. We had a good weekend. A little schoolwork and then an Alaska reunion in Seattle. Team Boom Boom Pow decided to fly to Seattle for the game and we met up for drinks and some crab legs. It was a night filled with comparing injuries, remembering places and moments and talking about future races. It was a lot of “you had to be there” stories and it felt really good to share it with fellow racers. Good to know I am not the only one that spent endless, sleepless nights tossing and turning and re-living the glacier walk. So good to hug the ladies that smelled like roses this time. Hope we meet again soon.