Ebbs and flows of suck and happiness

There is a certain ease and weightlessness in balance. And I guess that is what we all aim for. Balance. In between, good/bad, just in the middle. A lot of days it feels like I am trying to get away from that default setting of being out of control. Ten years ago balancing full time work and three small children I thought time and balance was the same thing. As long as you have more time you feel like your life will be more in balance. That is not right. At this point I am not sure what balance is, hang around the house and move flowerpots around, or move things around on your pinterest board (I don’t even have one)… seeing people you care for, knowing where you are going, sleeping often and long, staying well educated, being fit and healthy… So far, half a life in and all I know for sure is that life is ebbs and flows of suck and happiness. Mostly happiness but some really sucky things too. I guess that is balance. Since we all learned that we need some bad to appreciate the good or is that just what people say? Do we get one bad shoulder to really enjoy and appreciate the good one? So freakin’ confused here. And I am pretty sure some people would say that God or a higher power has something to do with balance and appreciation too. For the record, I consider myself a very balanced person with a few outbursts every now and then. One of those outbursts happened last night. Cursing, kicking and feeling seriously pissed. And a bit disappointed to miss a nice night with good friends.

Let me tell you about water behind the refrigerator. Yesterday, late afternoon, I did some vacuuming and saw what I thought was some water on the floor all the way in the corner on the side of the enormous fridge. And of course it was water. Nothing scares me more than water on hardwood floors in a rental. Two hours later I find myself on the floor with tools around me, water turned off and a leak more or less fixed. In a black dress. In those two hours stuff happened. Two kids at home working around the house desperately trying to make me happy. We are talking headlights on, darkness, turning of water, a little bit of screaming, calling plumbers but realizing that I am man enough to fix this myself. And why do I hear Donny Osmond singing I’ll make a man out of you in my head? And one husband in another state texting me hints and tips. I declared for the kids that this means take out, the kitchen is not to be used. And I had to skip my planned event for the night since I didn’t want to leave the kids home alone without water. After driving around trying to decide what to eat we end up at a place we haven’t tried for a while. I am waiting for the food in my black plumbing dress and who seems like the owner walks in and gives me the most smashing, nice compliment. It was probably just a trick to make a customer happy but I sure am a sucker for nice compliments from random men. I guess this means balance, one nice compliment for a few shitty hours wrestling a fridge and trying to save the floor from water. And food was delish and company awesome. I decided to drink a Cotes the Rhone with my spicy chicken. And we ate with chop sticks in front of the TV watching old reruns of Big Bang. Balance. Kind of like marry trash with class.

Another thing I’ve been balancing for the last weeks (or years really) is my mind. It’s been almost two years since I removed my evil tumor from my leg and so far so good. At that same time it was found I was scanned for more tumors since this type usually likes company on specific places. Another one was found in my brain. Not the best place to hide tumors. I know now that this particular one seems to be slow growing and not very evil so it’s no danger on the roof as we Swedes would say (which makes no sense for the rest of the world but it is kind of fun to say). I’ve been to checkups and MRIs, been doing blood draws and keeping track of numbers this past two years. The worst part of things like this is not the contrast running through your brain, bumps and bruises you get or the time you spend at the hospital. That time is the easiest part because you can focus on the shots you get or the hours in the tube. (And to all of you that are claustrophobic…it passes after the 10th time or so. It was a lot of negotiations with the technicians the first times but it passes, I even tried to bribe my way out. I fell asleep the last time. After this I even think I could go cave diving.) The worst part will be the days between the MRIs and the results, that’s when your balanced mind seriously get a blow. The second you get in to your car feeling healthy as a tiger shrimp you feel like someone hit you in the back of your head and your gut at the same time. But nothing is really different from yesterday and life goes on, right. And then it takes a few weeks to restore balance after a mental discharge. The only reason I am writing this is really because I got good news this time, nothing is growing. I am off the hook for a while or at least I don’t have to see the crew every season this coming year. I don’t need so frequent checkups as long as nothing happens. So this means restoring balance and figuring out what the next step in my life will be. Balance and letting it tip over to the positive side.

This is your only life…let’s make it sing loud.

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