Run your brain

You know how it feels when Friday finally happens and you feel deflated after a very long week. The first part of the weekend just disappered and then you wake up Sunday morning, go for a long run and life slowly comes back in a new light and then it’s Monday. Today is Monday and it feels like Friday. One full week passed since I woke up, 18 hours ago. Before 7.30am I got 5 shots in my knee and by 8.30 I felt pretty good, numbed up and on my way back home for a second breakfast. The day passed and… the numbing wore off… it’s been a long week and it’s only Monday.

I’m going back in time to the run yesterday. I went out big, I knew it was going to be the last long run for a while. For all you runners and mountain bikers out there, trail time is usually thinking time. It’s the time when you solve all your problems, figure out the next steps in life, write the next two chapters in the book you have hidden in your drawer (or on your OneDrive). You empty your mind in a good way. Lately my mind has been empty from start. I had to set up point of interests, basically stop and reset my mind when I saw a check point for the orienteering course. It’s back to basics people. I am focusing on my favorite things, trying to reset the brain and think positive. Pain sucks, it takes over your brain and it creeps up to new places connected to the painful body part. The brain cells slowly crumble, and your frontal lobe goes numb.

After the first lap, 35 minutes in, I felt so disappointed of the non-existing intellectual activity, so I set up thinking goals. It started out with favorite podcasts and I tried to find one that I could listen to and follow. I tried two different languages but they both could not connect my synapses. (I am very excited that Geoffrey Zakarian announced that he started a podcast but it’s not out just yet.)

Second lap I turned to playlists and nothing could keep my interest up more than a few songs that I ended up playing probably 20 times on repeat. And I’m grateful that no one else could hear my choice of music. I might give you a sample at the end of this post, but not yet sure I am that brave. When one of these songs come up over the Sonos at home I get looks. I got a nice comment the other day that I’m turing in to an 85-year-old. I have a nice mix of opera, Dire Straits, Sting, Duran Duran, Louis Armstrong, Edoardo Vianello, Robyn, Diddy, Uggla, Billy Joel…

Third lap and heavy breathing. I suddenly hear a woodpecker and I decided stay with it for a while. An older gentleman stood beside me for a good part of the time and we started whispering. We whispered about the bird, trees, bushes and then flowers, we didn’t want to scare off the bird. We talked about his favorite tree and spot in the park. I knew exactly what he meant, I usually stop there on my runs. He asked me if I had a favorite flower and our chat turned in to a very long conversation. I have three, it’s too hard to pick one. Peonies, dark pink. The smell is out of this world and the way they bloom. Tiny spray roses. Light pink or white. My grandmother had a spot where she kept a few bushes and from what I can remember they were always in full bloom. And crisp tulips, big bouquets of tulips that haven’t really opened in bloom. He liked my choices; he could almost smell the peonies when we talked. So, there you go. Facts about what is hiding in my brain.

Fourth lap, and I think the elevation changed, it’s up all the way. Two hours of running in the mud and life looks brighter. And by now I had a game plan. I knew exactly what to do with my life and first thing was to eat lunch, drink coffee and take a nap, so I guess it all worked out for the best.

Happy New Year

Christmas and New Year’s was good with all three kids in the house. The house feels busy. Doris has placed herself by the fire, and she is not moving much if we stay around her. The rain is no fun when you are a dog with short legs. She only walks when we go somewhere interesting, like the woods or the lake. I can’t blame her. The neighborhood walks are boring. Monday was first day back at daycare and you could say that she was excited. Yabadabadooo, howling all the way in the car.

The dinner table has been full again. People are coming and going, and something is always cooking in the kitchen. It feels like we constantly whip up something grand and have a dough proving. New Years passed and a lot of beef tenderloin was cooked and eaten. I woke up the other day and checked my list for the day and I felt like I was running a catering business on the side of my day gig. We have a lot of different needs and dietary issues around here. Add on veggie and fish eaters to that and it feels like you are inventing the wheel every night. In how many ways can you cook a potato and if you have fresh herbs you can magically transform any kind of dish. And who knew you could put dill on popcorn. And do you all know that homemade pizza dough tastes so much better. And freshly baked bread… I love bread. The hummus and veggies, chips and salsa are always circling around the kitchen island. And someone is always hungry even if you just cleaned up. All businesses need good names, even pretend ones. What do you think of a catering business called Your Plate or Mine, Basic Kneads, or Loaf and Devotion? It’s a work in progress.

Are we doing new years resolutions? No, not really. Who needs more pressure in life? And letting yourself down is the worst. I’m all for living the best life all the time. Since failing is out of the question, setting up absurd goals will only make you feel bad. Lame stuff like clean the house more often, drink and eat less, cook better food, loose 15lbs; will never happen. There are other things you can do. I’m always for working out more or doing things you like. If you want to follow in Nora Ephron’s footsteps, watch West Wing from the beginning (3rd time), paint your way through life, jump out of a plane… go ahead and do so. Give the world new memories of you, good or bad. Show everyone that you lived. Make the ground shake a little. Do something that make you forget to eat and drink and wake up exhausted. Meet new people, wander empty trails and try something you haven’t tried before. Use your wings. But stay safe. I’ve spent the last two nights reading about mountain rescues and crying my eyes out. Winter around here can be surprising and rough. Bring layers. And tea.

I will try to run more in the dark, in the early mornings. It’s not a resolution, just a wish. It feels like you breathe more when it’s dark, the air feels lighter and colder. The wind beats your face in silence and the world feels clearer. Your mind is free and your thoughts are clear. It’s like getting a fresh start in life.

And just a thought… Around here we don’t have hares, we have rabbits. Why are all little rabbits out in the dark and in the middle of the night? Do they have a difficult time sleeping? Anxiety? Out partying? Just a question.

I wish you all a very happy new year.


One of the most played songs at home the last few months and 1980.

An open mind

Let me tell you something. I saw a psychic. Absolutely nothing I planned to do since I really don’t believe in psychics. I’ve been passing the palm reader in our neighborhood for 12 years and been joking about going there to calm my mind about the future. And now it happened. We went to a party and there she was. Sitting at a table with her cards and a little furry hat with a sneaky smile. I could not pass on that opportunity. She was very pleasant; she had a nice and believable voice. We never got to the cards or the tea in the cup or the crystal ball, apparently, I have an open door to my mind.

I sat down and she looked at me and asked about my birthday and first name. That’s it. And she started talking, the clairvoyant lady with a higher knowledge of my spiritual life. Do I believe everything she said? Absolutely not. But let me tell you – it was a bit creepy. She might have had a speedy connection to Facebook, Instagram and everything else semiprivate. Or maybe she had a friend sitting in a room close by giving her all the info. She was spot on.


I got it confirmed that I am a tangled mess of wool and silk string. And a tiny bit of glitter and fleece. A little bit of chaos. Champagne on a mountain top. Lobster and caviar by the campfire. Opera mixed with a little bit of country. One foot in a high heel and the other one in a trail shoe or a boot. And I still have a part of my heart in another country. But I guess I already knew that. But how did she know? I’m not sure anymore. But I don’t believe in that kind of stuff. I’m not going to tell you guys anything about the future, but now I know. 😉

Talk about one foot in a boot… I finally found my dream car. But that one requires I move to Cornwall, get a couple of new Barbour coats, at least one or two more dogs and a veterinarian practice. Ahh, so I need to go back to school again. I’m really considering it since I want the car. And I love rain boots. And cows. Maybe I need to find that clairvoyant lady again and ask her some well thought out questions about my future.

Happy Solstice

Today is the day, it’s turning around. It’s the shortest day of the year. The sun will come back. The light in our hearts will burst and the darkness will disappear.
It’s time to start sparkle in the sun, find the rhythm of your heart. The furnace and the fireplace are burning, but crack a window to get some air in your lungs.
Light up all the dark between all the stars in the sky. Your greatest day is in the future. The best laughs and hugs, the sweetest kisses are yet to come.
Don’t wake up and not have lived. See the sunsets on the darkest days.
Happy Solstice!

December slog

It’s getting closer, the wonderful Christmas is almost here. How magic and bright. They just said on the news that it’s seven days until Christmas, but that is not true. It’s six days until the real Christmas, the 24th. Everywhere around me people are asking if I’m ready for Christmas. What do you think? This is a recurring affair, this last-minute prep and shop thing. I am behind, that seem to be the theme of this year, behind on everything. But I am pretty sure it all will happen anyway, it will be merry and bright, magical and marvelous. And I am sorry for sounding a bit sour and bitter. Life is a constant battle, some months you walk up front and wave the flag, on top of things and have time for it all. Friends, cooking, family, fun stuff, training. And some months are like December, an endless slog of shores and not a whole lot of fun until the big day. And then it’s like popping a balloon, all the air just vanishes, and you sit there and watch your kids with a glass in your hand, very satisfied and happy.

I think the problem is that we need light and the magic of light. The sky is grey, and the days are still short and dark. I miss Lucia, the early morning of the 13th. The smell of saffron and coffee. The candles and singing in church. The bright and white classy displays of Christmas lights in dark trees. The slushy snow and the cold air. It’s all about the smells again, I miss the smells of home. It is nothing you can recreate with a Yankee candle, a synthetic mixture of fake Christmas.

The live fast, die young thing might have worked for Jesus. I don’t like the living fast thing. I want long walks in the woods, long runs or hikes in the mountains, endless dinners, lazy mornings in bed.

News this morning covered the impeachment and the ultimate Christmas wrapping and the stress it consists of. The mix is fascinating. Get real people, how hard can it be. They are talking binge wrapping sessions. Honestly. This makes me sad. And the impeachment, not a day too early.

What do you want for Christmas? Meat thermometer, a nerf gun, a cashmere sweater, a car. I always say that I want happy kids and something that smells good. And that is still true. But also, I want light. Light in the sky, light in our minds and hearts (And a new Burberry scarf).

Det går uppför igen

Igår kväll var det lagträning igen. Andra veckan i rad, nu är det en vana och då ska det ju bli lättare för varje gång. Vi har satt igång igen, killarna och jag. Jag har trumpetat ut att jag har gått i pension efter min ganska korta men vansinnigt spännande adventure racing karriär. Långrejstiden var passe. Det var slut på långa nätter med alldeles för tung ryggsäck, aldrig mer skulle jag finna mig själv flyta fram på en kall flod bland höga berg i en uppblåst packraft. Aldrig mer fightas liggande upp och ner i flod med gråten i halsen. Aldrig mer cykla med pannlampa och tung ryggsäck utan att veta när dagen börjar och livet slutar. Jag var färdig och nöjd. Och så fick jag ett kort meddelande att det var dags att börja om en sista gång. Och så fick jag en liten film skickad till mig. Fem minuter senare hade jag sagt ja och nu är vi här.

Expedition Oregon – “Become your own Legend” from Bend Racing on Vimeo.

Gårdagens träning, precis som förra veckans träning, var en kort tre timmars hike på Tiger Mt. Det låter inte som mycket men det är ändå en hel del pepp och hepp som krävs innan jag kommer iväg. Först och främst så går en hel dag med jobb, liv och annat vanligt. Lagom till att det börjar mörkna så är det dags. I ett buskage, vid foten av ett berg möts tre bleka typer med ryggsäckar och starka lampor på huvudet. Det nickas och sägs tjena och hej och så går vi. Det går lite uppför och jag flåsar. Och så börjar det gå starkt uppför och ibland svagt nedför för att gå uppför igen. Det var dimma halva vägen upp, pannlampan sken genom gröttjock fukt och blöt lera låg jämn över hela skogen. Då infinner sig känslan av evighet igen. Nära maxpuls på klockan och tiden går så sakta. Kommer vi någonsin komma upp, orkar jag verkligen hänga med? Steg efter steg, höjdmeter efter höjdmeter. Efter Rainier hade jag lovat mig själv att inte gå uppför med tung ryggsäck igen. Så får man skaka av sig känslan av att det här går inte, jag kommer aldrig hem, och skärpa sig. Vad sjutton är tre mörka timmar en måndag kväll när vi har en vecka i maj att se fram emot. Vi pratar tält, packrafts och lampor. Cyklarna och diverse delar diskuteras ingående och jag funderar på att jag måste ha nya skor. Och hur ska vi kunna surra fast cyklarna på flottarna. Och hur många kolfiberpaddlar har vi som fortfarande funkar. Och jag funderar på skor. Och så pratar vi ryggsäckar och jag tänker på att min stora bergsrygga som rymmer isyxor, rep, everestjackor och sovsäckar skulle varit den sista jag skulle köpa och sedan skulle jag lägga av. Och så halkar jag nedför i leran och sätter mig tungt på rumpan med tummen rakt ner i smeten och tänker att fy sjutton vad glamoröst livet är. Från sammetsjumpsuit och högklackat till smetig lera, kläder som klibbar och svettig pannlampa två dagar senare. Och så har tre timmar passerat, det kurrar i magen och håret ligger blött och stripigt mot huvudet. Ryggsäcken har liksom fastnat, klibbat fast mot ryggen och nöjdheten sprider sig i kroppen. Termosen med te väntar i bilen, Spotify går på och resan hem känns som en njutning. Blodsmaken är bortglömd, tröttheten i kroppen som bortblåst och hemma har barnen gjort soppa som står och väntar på mig rykande varm.


Ut ur dimman

Plötsligt händer det. Livet slår till och inget blir som förr. Efter besöket hos optikern för några veckor sedan är jag numera stolt ägare till ett par progressiva glasögon. Läsglasen som hängt på näsan, på huvudet, i fickan, i bilen och lite överallt var enligt optikern ett kraftigt ålderstecken. Det här med att kika under lugg och knöla ihop hakan är tydligen inte något som man ska sträva efter. Men om man tycker att läsglas är ett tecken på hög ålder vad är inte då progressiva glasögon? Men jag måste erkänna att jag ser på livet med andra ögon, det är klart och tydligt. I alla fall i vissa fall.

Helgen har varit av varierande kvalitet. Lite spring och knatande i skogen och lite fest. Det började med superpartaj inne i stan på SAM och slutar i soffan framför tvn. Vi snyggade till oss och såg faktiskt riktigt respektabla ut. Men tror ni att vi lyckades få till ett kort? Nej, bara en något fånig selfie.

Årets julfest, superpartajet krävde ett inköp av en ny trikåtrasa. Det finns ett par i garderoben men det är ju skönt att ha något att välja på. Blindheten slår till och det finns absolut inget att dra på kroppen för en natt på stan. Jag räknar till 1, 2, 3, 4 svarta jumpsuits i garderoben, men… Det blev ett inköp av en något tight jumpsuit i sammet och insåg jag att kroppen, framförallt mittendelen behövde klämmas åt lite för att bekvämligheten skulle infinna sig. Känner man sig inte bekväm så är man ju inte snygg. Och om jag klämde. Jag köpte mig mitt livs första Spanx. Blev det bättre? Lite slätare och plattare blev det ju men jag vet inte om det blev skönare direkt. Men snyggt var det.

Och så blev det söndag kväll. Julmusiken har dundrat högt hela kvällen, KitchenAiden och ugnen har jobbat. Som vanligt kom julpaniken hastigare än kvickt, inget är gjort, inga julklappar inköpta, lussekatterna är uppätna och skumtomtarna är slut på IKEA.