A long and quite intense weekend comes to an end and I’ve made a maybe not so wise decision to write a post in English. It happens about once every year and only because I feel kind of obligated. I don’t write in English, it will always be my second language. Give me a white paper and I can fill it with words, a story, in two minutes… in Swedish. Somehow I always have too many words in my head and writing makes me relaxed, like running. Some of you translate my posts to different languages and the translations are usually very poor and I get strange questions about what I write and what I do and why. But I am happy that you take time to read my words. So here it goes… one random post for all of you…
Believe it or not, it is summer.
Let me be one of the first to welcome you to the new season, to wish you the happiest summer ever. Make sure you smile a lot, sleep in, stay up late and listen to… eh the frogs… and run, as far as you can and as often as you can. And smile. It is transition time. Time for something new. Some of us have graduations, empty nests, full nests, a house full of guests. Some of us are packing and taking off for vacation, work or stay-cation. I am taking off soon to go home away from home, to clear things, to work a little and hopefully to have some fun.
Our vacations are filled with people. What I like the most is waking up and having breakfast every morning and people just show up for a cup of coffee, to walk a dog, to talk… and to sit in the greenhouse at night with lit candles and waiting for the day to pass and listen to nothing. What I don’t like is the guilt of not spending enough time with friends and family. And I know I will miss the best part of the year, the happy summer in the Pacific Northwest. But that’s life.
I am tired. Tired of rain, tired of school, tired of endless days. Tired of making plans. I have made plans or goals my whole life. 40 long years. I have checked things off my long list of things to do. I have never had a list on a piece of paper but somehow I’ve checked my invisible boxes every year. High School, masters degree, a new country, marriage, job, kids, house, happy kids, better job, another house, another masters degree, happy kids, work even more, a new adventure, a new country and really working on getting the kids back on track in a new country… I have actually enjoyed more or less every moment but I think it is time to settle. You can always do better but I think it is good enough! Good enough! (Can you believe, I have a kid starting high school this fall and two in junior high. Crazy!)
Except for one thing. I have to run another marathon. I honestly don’t care about the time. It would be awesome to fly like a bird for 26 and some miles, but that is not me. And it is OK. But, I would love to feel like I have done all I can, be completely wiped, finished, almost dead and feel happy about my effort. I felt far from happy when I ran Vancouver Marathon some weeks ago. My time was OK but I felt angry and unhappy when I finished. And that‘s why I have to do it for the third time, to feel good enough. Does it make sense? That’s my last goal for now. (Until I feel like I need a new goal… I will give it about two months.)
I must say that running saved my new life. It’s been different, lots of new things to cope with and to adjust to. It’s been almost five years since we moved. Switching from working full time, in control, being a mom and a wife to “just” a mom and a very part time worker may sound easy and nice. It is, but it also gives me a fire-breathing-dragon feeling. It takes time. How do people who don’t run handle their fire flame? I don’t think running has to do with burning calories or shaping your body. The real reason why you run is that it makes you feel good, it controls your emotions and gives you perspective. It really makes me a better person. I wish I could cork the feeling and save it for later.