The smell of fear and taste of pool water

I am an average middle aged mom, not very exciting. But I have always felt something restless or a fire (don’t know what to call it) and I fuel it with firewood all the time. It would probably be really good to try to not to feed the flame but that makes me really bored and not very happy.

I have never really felt old or not even my age. Well, that is not completely true. When I watch my kids walking down the street, outside school or with their friends it is always shocking to see them all grown up and that must mean that I am old. They are three young beautiful almost adults with lovely personalities. But turning 40 gives you a chance to evaluate life, take a step back and watch yourself from a distance. I think I started to ease into my new age a while ago, trying new things and getting rid of old habits. And I still have a long way to go. This year I decided to go with the flow instead of fighting it. I have celebrated plenty of 13.1 and  26.2 milestones but small victories in everyday life feels so much better.

About a month ago I pointed myself to the direction of something I had been avoiding my whole adult life. I finally said to myself that I had to, needed to, become a better swimmer. Maybe I didn’t have enough time, willpower…maybe I hid behind being busy all day, hid behind 15 pounds…Can you smell the excuses? It smells like fear. You are afraid to try because you might….? Every single barrier we set up goes so much deeper than we think. So this past month I went from I don’t know what the heck I am doing to I am learning and it feels great. I am switching my breaststrokes to freestyle, almost keeping my head down and trying to avoid swallowing gallons of pool water and what really surprises me… I like it, almost love it. I wish I could say that I look pretty cool but it is nothing cool about me and water. Wearing a swim cap, swim suit  and goggles, just not very attractive.

My extremely nice swim coach Michael keeps smiling and has the patience of a turtle, moving slowly, taking one step at a time, and very often a few steps back. Going to the gym or pool is supposed to give you a power boost. You get a good feeling that usually lasts for hours, the famous endorphin kick. I have never felt that getting up from the pool but I feel it very often when I run or take a class at the gym. That’s what keeps me going. I enjoy the sweating part, loosing my breath, feeling pain and of course meeting friends. Today, I got it! Flying high! Singing in the shower kind of feeling. I have had a smile on my face all day, like something great happened. I actually swam yard after yard without loosing my breath, without swallowing a pool of water and it felt good! Not sure it looked good.

Next step – climb a very high mountain!

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