I feel rich. It’s one of those days when the laughs are pouring and tears are drizzling because of happiness. All three kids are back home after a long weekend and I feel 100% intact. We almost had a broken nose after a visit in a dark bathroom to check if my tights actually were glowinthedark. The tights did glow in the dark and a knee happened to bump into a very small nose that became bigger but not broken. Dinner has been simmering since 4 and we made it together at the table 8. I am so lucky. Three beautiful girls. Almost grown up.
We started planning our trip back to our other home, our old home. I am thinking a week in Skåne, a few days in northern France and many weeks in Uppsala. I am thinking oysters in Cancale, a touristy visit at Mont-Saint Michel again, chilly dip in the English channel, a visit at Omaha beach. It’s ben too long. We are dreaming about a simple boat ride Sweden-Denmark-Sweden, food, drinks and a walk, beach time and long dinners outside. And a few nights in the greenhouse, a crayfish party and a few days at Härjarö and the summer would be complete. And maybe finish it off with a heck of a party for our bestest friend that has a big birthday in August. What do you think? Sound good?
We had a short midwinter break that officially ends tonight. Breaks are too short and school happens too often. We need more breaks and less school around here. Caroline had a great time climbing in Smith, OR and can’t wait to go back (with mom, her words not mine. I would love too!!) Big thanks to the R family that took care of her.
Photo: Maren
Spring is here. The sun is warming up Kirkland and giving us beautiful sunsets in orange and pink.
I just had to get a ride in when the sky was blue and sun was out. A nice hour and a half in short sleeves and sunglasses on. Beautiful! It will hopefully last all the way to summer.
Give the most important muscle in your body some extra sweet love today.
Run the hardest you can and take a break by the lake, breathe in the air and feel your heart beat. Live uncomfortably and appreciate the moments of sweetness. Watch your kids live, breathe and laugh. Hold yourself loosely and gentle, in a soft grip and treat yourself well. Make it easy for yourself to change route and move on. Open doors to new adventures, climb a mountain and live free. Make your heart work a little extra, fill it with oxygen and love. Make it beat hard so you have to take deep breaths. Surround it with happiness, something bubbly and sweet tunes. The more you experience the bigger your heart will grow.
I am hot, I promise. There is something going on with the miles and treadmill pounding lately. I can feel the bounce again, my feet and legs are moving in the same direction. I shouldn’t jinx it and scream it out here but it feels good and promising for a bright future and spring. I did a beautiful belly flop on the treadmill today. I stopped and talked for a few minutes and then started running again. Hamstrings cramped up and I did a gorgeous flip and ended up on the side of the treadmill. A few people got a good laugh in the early morning. You are most welcome.
I got all worked up this morning reading an article about the movie 50 shades. How low can you sink Charlotte? What happened to the big interest in politics, heated discussions and high blood pressure on election day. Still there people, but I cover the rest of the newspaper too. And quite frankly, Bertha is not that interesting. Been there done that 20 something years ago in the south of Sweden. Big tunnel, big drill, disaster. And I am sorry, football… phew.
I think I am a bit more laid back than some years ago when I gladly and aggressively walked out from lectures to prove a point. The fire is still there but I seem to channel it differently. Back to 50 shades. The book sold over 100 million copies. And yes, I did read it. It’s one heck of a book. Not well written but quite frankly very binding. What can I say? There are petitions going around to sign because of the book/movie and it’s relations to violence and torture in relationships. And yes, I can see it and yes, it’s not good. But no, let people have their fantasies and don’t make such a big deal out of everything. Don’t feed the flame. And yes, at some point I will watch the movie. I certainly don’t want to diminish the topic but don’t read too much in to everything. There are so many things around us to get worked up about, in movies and books. Personally I really dislike Disney’s Frost. So lame, so old fashioned, so not interesting. And guns and violence, why all those guns in people’s homes? And drugs. I don’t get the weed thing here. How can you not think it’s harmful? Maybe been smoking too much?
We can all do something for the world and all people around us. If you know better, do better. Läkarmissonen in Sweden invites all to take part in Vänliga Veckan (kind, friendly week) Feburary 9-15. Do something nice and the world becomes a better place for everyone. One easy thing to take part in. Pick up the phone and call a friend (we never seem to do that anymore), surprise someone with a lunch, a hug or show your support somehow. Smile. It’s actually really easy. Many small steps…
One kid packing up climbing gear and leaving for a few days. So grateful for Fam4 that let her squeeze with them for some days. Thank you.
3 very tired girls. 1 adult super perky, as always.
6 am wake up call, almost felt like sleeping in this morning. I was lucky to wake up 15 min earlier with 1 Kindle paperwhite pressed against my right side of the face and 1 computer under my left thigh. Awesomesauce, glamour and a bed filled of rose petals. Dogs barking outside the bedroom window and a woman with a beautiful high pitched voice screaming. Love the life in the suburbs. Flashback to Brussels in the early 90s minus the smell of fresh bread and screaming in Flemish. The good old days hanging with monks and a Belgian gay prince. Wearing very short skirts and missing the last train back from unnamed old towns.
2 cinnamon rolls in my tummy. Really hard to resist after spending 3 hours baking earlier today.
6 cinnamon rolls left out of 36. No, I didn’t eat them all, I am just so darn popular. Hard to believe, I think not.
2 large tacos for dinner and a huge amount of homemade guac.
2 very small glasses of vino to go with the 2 tacos. Very small.
2 jars of lingonberry jam brought by a friend. That means meatballs and tiny, tiny oven roasted potatoes, beats, sweet potatoes and parsnips and a lovely mushroom sauce tomorrow night.
1 friend for coffee in the afternoon made my day. Kitchen hanging and chatting away. And she had one huge rock to show off. Love you!!
2 shoulders still in their sockets after very light weightlifting, big success.
6 cups of coffee or more like 6 double espressos so that means…
1 million over 1 billion in blood pressure but still a resting heart rate of 50. I am a medical mystery.
8 empty bottles of Perrier found in my car today. Who drinks all that water? And that means a Costco run tomorrow since I am almost out of fancy water. Scary. But a pretty healthy addiction. Costco still makes my heart race, I am not a big fan. It feels like driving in Paris. Big, big boxes of dog food, allergy meds and adult diapers. I get fooled every time and comes home with wool socks, big boxes of cereal and milk filled with hormones. And we have no milk drinkers in the family. If I have a good day I could even buy 48 Sharpies or an obnoxiously big TV just because it’s there. It’s not healthy people. I LOVE WHOLE FOODS! Expensive gluten free pasta, gorgeous cheese, meat that screams and the wine guy knows my name! You want to know if the fish you buy is good or not!! And Icelandic lamb, please. Beautiful.
7 miles on the treadmill this morning. I looked awesome, great form people, happy face and I didn’t hit anyone that passed me. But felt like a brainfreeze without the benefit of the ice cream and
1 person walking on the treadmill beside me in her PJs and reading a book. Just wrong, just wrong. And one young woman without a shirt. Not ok. There are other ways to get attention.
4 females alone in the household means Thai food, fajitas and guacamole, chicken wrapped in Parma ham, frozen yoghurt and lots of chick flicks, New girl, Mindy proj and too much House and foam rolling. We sure know how to party. My girls!
5 am alarm tomorrow…
1 volleyball player has morning practice. And the season just started.
23 gallons of fuel, very empty car that started to make noises when turning sharp and driving uphill.
1 pair of shoes ordered and waiting to be delivered. Purple.
2 deer back after a long vacation. They are back and I can start my deer whispering again. Life will soon be back to normal. I have missed you! How could you leave me?
2 % oil left in my car. Will someone please take the mothership in for service. And get it cleaned. It’s mud all over, embarrassing. It’s kind of a save the world, don’t use water statement. Oui.
1 gorgeous and sparkly dress hanging in my closet bought last week when I felt sorry for myself for not being able to work out Friday after dislocating my right shoulder Thursday night. Had really big issues taking it off since I couldn’t lift my arm over my head so I just bought it. Woohaaaaa.
1 dress waiting for a fancy party, tux please. Socks, sandals and shorts, just no. NO!
1 climbing kid leaving for Smith tomorrow afternoon. Sleeping bag, granola bars and puffy coats. Missing – no climbing helmets in the household.
2 showers today. Gunde would be so proud if he knew how fast I can shower, shake and dress. Like a boss.
1 short film that I think is worth watching. I love some of the Swedish labor laws, not all.
You set up goals in your life. Goals are good, it gives you something to work for whether it is job-related, school, training or something more private. I like goals and I know I am pretty goal oriented. Maybe in a way a little bit addicted. I like to measure something that for me is success. I got a kick out of university credits when I was younger and got a little bit overboard with my load. Especially when all three kids were under 5 when I decided to get another masters in 1.5 years. But it worked out. The brain do work on coffee and very little sleep. Very motivating. Same with training. Some years ago I collected miles or minutes running and it can very easily get overboard. I am still the same but I don’t care about miles but I have to admit that I still track my hours training and I track how it feels. I want to be over 3000 minutes per month witch is kind of ridiculous since it’s not really the minutes that counts. But it has to be qualitative training, it doesn’t count otherwise. I remove minutes when I don’t feel satisfied with what I’ve done. Sort of a childish punishment I guess.
The last month or two my training has been lousy. I’ve been cheating, taking shortcuts, switched out important workouts to more fun or easy ones. I feel extremely unmotivated and have a strange feeling that it doesn’t really matter. Does it really matter? Not really since I am not Martin Flinta or Björn Ferry. But it doesn’t do wonders for you self-esteem. It really sucks. I cover my 3000 minutes per month and sometimes a bit more, I get most of my workouts in but in slow mode. I run slow, with terrible form, I swim slower than ever, my legs are basically dragging at the bottom of the pool. Biking works well especially outside. All CrossFit are fun but I am not in any kind of beast mode, I finish but with varying results.
So what’s wrong? Is it a classic burn out? The rest of my life is in sync, I sleep, I eat, I work and I am as healthy as I can be right now. I got my shoulder out of place the other day. That is probably some kind of sign that I will choose to ignore.
I don’t think it’s a burn out since I feel good outside training witch is 90% of the day. I think it has to do with poor goal setting. My goal may just be wrong. An Ironman sounds amazing, doesn’t it? But it’s lonely to swim, bike and run. It’s a lot of hours to spend by yourself in the pool. It rains a lot here in Washington. Running in rain can be nice but biking in rain really gets to your insane part of the brain. And spending hours by yourself can be nice, but not all the time. I am really not that interesting. And how many podcasts or TED talks can you listen to before you get bored.
This is hopefully a phase that will pass when a warm breeze passes over Kirkland. I hope I will wake up one day and feel like everything turned around and that my running legs feel strong again. But until that happens I will probably just keep swimming, run slow and add on an extra CrossFit hour to keep my mood in balance. Or maybe find a new goal.
Close some doors not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they no longer lead somewhere – Paulo Coelho
Tears. We have cried a lot this past year and we still do, at least some of us. Caroline and I get all worked up and one look can be enough to get it started. We listened to a song the other day that reminded us of Ross and then the tears just didn’t stop for a long time. I think tears are healing and I really hope I am right. Tears drizzle down your cheeks in the most unexpected moments. It might be a female thing. I know men cry but not like women do. Maybe one difference is that we are expected to cry. I was told by a doctor yesterday that it was ok to cry. He told me “you don’t have to play tough”. I didn’t. I am wired wrong. This is me. I had to explain myself and we ended up having a long conversation about tears, how and why. He put my shoulder back in place after I bumped it out just a tiny bit. I thought I fixed it by myself but I couldn’t get it all back in. He did a quick little movement that made the pain go away. An instant relief. The dizziness disappeared and that brain blockage that comes with pain started to ease off. I didn’t cry until 10 minutes later when I tried to explain that I didn’t want this to ruin my swimming. I really need to improve my swimming. I don’t want to sink in a lake in Idaho. And I finally feel like I am starting to master rope climbing. And the tears burned behind my eyes. Then he handed me a tissue. I’ve broken body parts without shedding a tear but there are moments I can’t watch my kids without tearing up. And I don’t get the music part, why I cry when I listen to music. The human body is a mystery.
Another thing, I feel like I need to explain myself and fellow Swedes. There are always articles and blogposts that are around about ”how you know you are Swedish”, ”crazy things Swedes do” etc. Some are very true and when you live in a multicultural community it can hit you hard that people have different upbringings. That makes life interesting but sometimes a bit complicated.
We like our coffee breaks (fika), we take our shoes off in the house, we have one word that is not possible to translate to any language that we use all the time (lagom). We like our healthcare system, maternity laws and employment laws. We absolutely never hit our children. If I saw someone do that I would call the police.
One very important thing is that we hug. I get reminded every day that I have to back off. We hug when we meet friends, colleagues, people we barely know. Men and women. The closeness doesn’t bother us. So if you think Swedes are cold people, think again, we are just different. To friends and acquaintances here in Washington, I will most likely hug you again. Get your guard up if you don’t like hugs.
Today’s wall balls almost broke me and I am spending the rest of the morning sitting down with the company of outlook. Try breathing really fast through a straw and squat at the same time. That’s how it feels when you don’t sleep enough, pretend you are 23 when you run intervals and then lift some weights on top of that. The body is a mystery and it’s difficult to reason with it.
The day started out well here. I got about 4 hours of restless sleep after a doppio last night. Worth it? I think not. I woke up at 5.20 singing Bailando by Enrique Iglesias. I don’t know why, probably something hidden in the back of my mind or deep buried in my childhood memories. But it’s kind of catchy. To really etch it into my memory I played it in the car on the way to the gym and I made an attempt to dance sitting this Wednesday morning. And I worked hard on my Spanglish lisp. I went to the gym to get my intervals done around 6am. The place is packed, all treadmills are all taken and people are working out in a frantic way. I really regret going and I move to a versa climber in a dark corner after my run. And I put Bailando on repeat. What is wrong with me? Time for a shrink?
I have a strange relationship to music. The more the merrier. Spotify is on every waking hour, mixed with a few pods and news on the radio. I grew up with a overload of Frank Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen, opera, musicals, Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, Abba, Gyllene Tider, Noise and Frank Zappa and I must admit that I love it all. I remember when I made my grandparents listen to a full album of Wham, I could lipsync Tina Turner by the age of 8 and I got chills from listening to Putin’on the Ritz with Taco over and over again in the 80s. Those were the days. My first Bryan Adams concert was magical. And I still cry a little when I get to watch and listen to Sting live. Going to the opera makes my heart grow and burst.
My playlists probably reflects my extremely confused mind. Even my kids think something is wrong when I plug in my phone in the car. So, from me to you. My most played songs on my Spotify January 2015. And if you see a middle aged woman dancing in the car it’s probably me.
I am awake. What a disappointment. Ending up reading the news on my phone, browsing through Instagram and checking the latest on European news. And the rest of the world. First morning sleeping in months, no tournaments, no work and I’m wasting it with a perky mood and a growling sound in my stomach. And I might even feel some kind of soreness in my lower back area? Strange. I am trying really hard to go back to sleep and to stop thinking of my 5 mile easy run that needs to be done. It’s raining, it’s cold, I am feeling old today. It’s a huge sign of age when you wake up early. Even worse when you look for your slippers when you finally get out of bed. And making myself a cappuccino before even turning on the news.
After breakfast and a few more cappuccinos I got running clothes on and made my way out. And as always I have my brightest moments outside in the rain, alone with my extraordinary brain and body. Seriously, I am kidding. My body feels kind of tired and my mind… I don’t know really. I forced a few smiles today when I met other runners. I know smiling makes your stride relaxed and posture better, yada, yada… A serious guy in tiny split shorts passed me and I tried to keep his pace but I didn’t even last 100 meters. I forced a smile like a Russian ice skater in the 70s, got my braids tighter, somehow I got it done and felt 100% better when I got home. I’ve got to tell you, I am a serious sucker for exercise, I can’t help it, it is life changing. And yes, it is enjoyable. Every day.
Yesterday was a fun day. An interesting competition on a cold, grey day. I ran, lifted and laughed a little. I never really got warmed up. I felt like I didn’t even had started when I went home. I had coffee x 3 and as always some fancy fizzy water. I had a great partner, a really nice and fine man. He made my day. We finished the thing and I can add on another experience to my life. I mostly enjoyed the company actually. I liked the competition too but there are other things in life I enjoy more. A mountain, a trail, a beautiful view, a green forest, a quiet meadow far away. A fresh newspaper and a cup of coffee. A blue sea. Snow. A backpack filled with a space blanket, a first aid kit, a thermos with coffee and a sandwich wrapped up and saved for the right moment. And a piece of chocolate. A brisk walk up Mt Si. A bright sunrise or a pink sunset on the top of a mountain. Really muddy shoes, sweaty hair and a tired body.
This must be the perfect day to complain, feel sorry for myself and start over and get that darned try hard feeling back in my body and mind. Try hard! You want to be that person that goes all in. I think I’ve sank as low as I can and am working my way back up. I felt my tears behind my blinking eyes today, feeling overwhelmed and extremely tired but in a weird way excited at the same time. I lost my mojo and I think it’s time to take it back. I am of course the same person yesterday, today and tomorrow, a big bundle of joy. Drinking too much expensive, fancy European fizzy water, overusing Spotify, eating too much and too well but I will for sure take shorter showers, bike more and laugh every time I wear my swim goggles. That’s my plan. And I will stop drinking coffee after 9pm since I really enjoy sleeping.
I’ve been cheating. And it’s not like me. I have this perfect program set up for me that basically is set to make me successful and race ready. The January program gave me everything I could wish for and a little bit more. Did I do it all, the bike rides, the run intervals, the swims? No. Somehow I misread the handwritten piece of paper and added on a few runs, subtracted a lot of swims and bike rides and added on a lot of CrossFit classes. A lot. A big math fail. I taped up the program in the laundry room, on the way out to the garage. I passed it 10 times per day. I checked it every day but somehow 1400m swims became deadlifts and rows, 20 miles bike rides became slow 2 hour runs in the rain and long slow hikes in the mountains. I even stopped and took awesome pictures on my runs and hikes, that’s low. My biceps looks pretty decent but my endurance sucks. I learned how to climb ropes all the way up to the ceiling but I forgot how to climb a mountain on my bike. I reached my low point the other day when I had to walk the last part of my regular hill. When I reached the top I met a coyote that eyeballed me and wanted to race. I talked to him, tried to scare him off, ran fast but stopped after a while and told him that I don’t care. I even explained to him that I cheated on my intervals the past months so he could run as fast as he wanted, I couldn’t care less. He lost interest and I walked back.
I started out the year sick, I had a cold that decided to take over my system and suck out the last of my positive attitude and my swimming ability. It can’t be good to rinse your sinuses with pool water filled with bacteria’s when you can breathe mountain air. January is almost over and my penicillin jar is finally empty. And the bottom line, it is so much easier to take a class or 10 or 15 than to go to the pool. Why? I don’t know. Is it the chlorine? The first cold 10 seconds that makes your heart skip a beat and almost stop? The breathless exhaustion after a few laps? The inconvenience of using a hairdryer after swimming? The annoying feeling when you have to share a lane? I tried, I did. I tried really hard. I went to the pool a few times. I even swam a few laps. But somehow I always found someone to talk to or a good reason to sit in the hot tub.
It’s almost a new month. A new month means a new training program. 28 new, fresh days of swimming, biking and running. And a few rare days of CrossFit. Fresh days, new days, new opportunities. With this new month comes a new way of living. After swimming today I realized that it’s time for “Gundeshowers” again. I am back to the months before ÖtillÖ when I ran around Redmond wearing a wetsuit as everyday attire and taking showers 2-3 times per day. You shower before and after swimming, after running, after biking and sometimes just because you need to take a shower. You waste a lot of time in the shower. Gunde Svan timed his showers. 28 seconds. That’s how long it takes to rinse and shake. You don’t even have time to start heating up. And forget about using both shampoo and conditioner. Choices, life is all about choices.
So, it’s time to start planning life around swim/bike/run sessions, around showers, flat tires, lunch breaks and snacks, hardboiled eggs and cashews, selleri sticks and nutbutter. It’s time to make better choices. And take shorter showers.
And if you wake up early May 23rd and feel like a long bike ride please give me a call. I have a 112 miles ride that day and would probably love some company. The hot tub days are over and forget about chatting in the locker room, a warm latte with a friend or god forbid a long lunch date at the club.
I started to write a very serious summary of 2014. It was plain boring, filled with big words, lots of beautiful adjectives and kind of a false happiness. So, I am starting over. 2014 became the year that we’ll probably remember for a long time. Good and bad, indescribable sadness, lots of “try hard” moments, happiness, love and sickness. Plague and cholera mixed with bright memories and pure happiness here and there. Life happened. And it has been a long year, a badass year.
When everything works and moves forward, life is beautiful. Add on a long hike in the mountains, a crazy race on an island, a chilly bike ride on single track or a trail run in the green woods, beside a bright blue lake and life is gorgeous, overwhelming and great. I’ve been lucky to have lots of days filled with all those awesome things and you want to store that in your memory forever.
This year has also had it’s bad moments. Life turns upside down when you, a family member or a close friend gets sick or dies. We have experienced a little bit of everything. For me worrying is the worst and my mind has been filled with fire breathing dragons and still is. You want health and happiness for all your loved ones. I sure have learned that it’s impossible to fix everything with K-tape. And it’s heartbreaking to realize that there are things in life you can’t do much about.
We celebrate 7 years in USA in a few days. It’s a long time. I know we have all learned a lot and still discover and experience new things every day. Life sure is different here. I am glad we decided to stay after our first few years. You don’t start living in a new country until you’re getting used to everything around you. The first years passed too fast. You drive around looking for the right kind of food, places to visit, things you like. You start meeting people, building up a new life, getting used to everything around you. And you get used to a new language. Who knows how to service your car, going to the dentist and get a new furnace in English. You learn new things every day. And you wake up 7 years later realizing your kids are growing up in a mixed cultural world and you freak out a bit. Will this ruin them forever, raising them as world citizens with attachments to more than one country? Will they be confused, never feel at home or maybe the opposite? I am hoping they will live with an open mind, curious and a badass try hard approach to life.
Climbing and volleyball are still our overall preferred sports. If you would ask Brjann, golf would get high on the list too. The kids are super enthusiastic and really motivated. We so wish we could do this full time but some of us still need to earn our high school diplomas before making any life changing decisions. I am still working on my swimming skills and are trying really hard to look good in goggles. It’s not going to happen any time soon. I am also trying to get hooked on road biking but the only thing on my mind right now is deadlifts and pull ups.
Two years ago I wrote a post for our daughters and I am including parts of that post again. I cannot remind them often enough how great they all are.
Be nice to your sisters, always.
It is ok to be homesick and long for all loved ones in our other country… they will still be there next summer.
Never get in a car with a drunk driver. Call home, any time.
Work out. As much as you can and as hard as you can. And it is ok to look sweaty, not very cute and feel like you are going to puke. It is actually good for you.
Always work hard in school, it will pay off. But remember, you can only do your best.
Never be afraid to ask for help.
It is ok to spend a lot of money on shoes, especially running shoes.
Don’t worry about love when you are 17, you have plenty of time. I am sure you will not even remember the name of the cutest guy in 12th grade when you turn 30. Life goes on.
Accept people around you. Nobody is perfect. Not even you.
Do your thing. Be different. But don’t wear too short skirts.
Travel as much as you can.
Laugh often and hard. And laugh at yourself.
Keep your eyes on the ball, in sports and in life.
Learn how to drive a stick.
Learn how to cook and bake bread. Enjoy food, it is good for you and it brings people together.
Change is good, scary but good.
Do things that scare you.
No tattoos or visible piercings. And no, I will not change my mind about this.
You are all three so much stronger than you think.
charlottebrekkan.com 