This past weekend I woke up and turned into the bitch from “beep”, I felt it when I opened my eyes Saturday morning and reached for my phone. Or more rolled out of bed to reach my phone since it is on my right side that is strapped up in a sling resting beautifully on an extra pillow. A very graceful roll. The grey’s in my hair is more visible then ever. The pale face is extra blueish. My body is extra everything with a sling on top of it. I look angry and old. What happened? I see it when I walk down the stairs. Stuff. Things. And a layer of dirt. Our house turned into a dorm room. I’ve been stepping over clothes, shoes, books, bags, kneepads, deflated balloons, etc. without really caring. And do I care now? Oh, yes. I woke up from a 17 day surgery depression feeling like “beep”. On a regular day I pick up stuff, move things around, wipe things off, fold laundry, empty garbage… I vacuum at least the kitchen every day, change towels, clean the kitchen, a get fresh grocery’s… I have done the absolute minimum for 17 days. Answering emails with my left hand takes double amount of time, prepping schoolwork takes days. Imagine how much stuff 5 adults with at least one practice per day, lunch bags, snack bags, homework, five extra computers… generate. Add on at least 10 changes of clothes including shoes every day since we are blessed with 3 teenage girls. I’ve done the regular 2-3 loads per day laundry but can’t fold it, so imagine what happens. I chopped an onion on Thursday. One onion, it felt like running a marathon. Unloading the dishwasher with one hand takes forever so I just give up. I have a butternut squash that has been staring at me for days. What did I think when I bought a whole squash and not the already cut up ones? How do you cut it up with one left hand? But I am awake now. And I am truly sorry for my behavior.

Biggest accomplishment so far: I am extremely right handed. I am lost without my right hand and I think it is connected to how my brain works, scary stuff. Filling up the car, swiping my card, unlocking the door, brushing my teeth… almost impossible. I managed to eat sushi with chop sticks with my left hand people! It is HUGE! I still have both my eyes.

Three weeks in, 30 something weeks to go and I just opened up my frozen membership at CrossFit. I am done. I am ready to move on but with the stinky sling still on. I should take a picture and post it on every single social media page I have, but let’s not push it people. It’s still a fine line between happy and insane.

The horrible mood changed after the weekend, after a very ugly breakdown throwing stuff and screaming not very pretty things. My Band and I are friends again. It gave me a nice 15000 steps and +2000 calories yesterday. We work together and we are doing fine.

Take your time reading this because it took me forever to write this with my left hand. Life is dandy. Five days after surgery and I am up. I am not going to bother you with a lot of details but it was all you could wish for. A nice comfy table, bright lights and sharp knives. The only thing that really worries me every time is the oxygen mask and the intubation, I know it’s kind of childish. I don’t like when people are holding stuff over my mouth. Last thing I remember is that I refused to get the mask fastened and I talked them into holding it myself. Two breaths and I am gone, same thing every time. And then it’s all over and I wake up with a sore throat. Everything went ok, I got a shoulder lift, new anchors and lots of stitches. Ice eating starts. And the getting dressed part is always interesting. This time I actually considered going home without something on waste up. Why bother? I am glad I didn’t get to decide.

The first day after felt pretty good and then the nerve block and meds eased off. Had a bit of side effects from the anesthesia as always, it’s not my thing really. I got the enormous bandage off day 2 and that was a little bit of a disappointment. I was promised that they were going to use my old holes from the last surgery but they gave me four new ones that looks like massive bullet holes. That makes it 8 holes all together and I guess my shoulder will look like Swiss cheese from now on. Evening day 2 I decide to go to the kids’ volleyball games. Not a very good idea. Can’t say I remember much except sweating buckets and feeling extremely uncomfortable, but they both won. Day 3, watched 4 movies and went to the grocery store in the afternoon. I can’t remember any of the movies I saw but know I considered making my own pizza dough with my left when planning dinner walking down the isles at QFC. Day 4, Saturday. Took a shower, drove the car and had to remove the huge sling to drive, walked around Redmond with one of the kids, went to a volleyball tournament. Woke up at 3am in grueling pain and for a short time considered chopping my arm off. No fun. So here I am at day 5 sitting still and thinking of taking a shower. And I am going to think about it for a while. I kind of moved a little bit too fast and need to take a step back. Of all the injuries and surgeries over the past years I think the shoulder of your dominant hand must be the worst. I can’t do anything. Laying down doesn’t work, sitting is uncomfortable and standing is even worse. Too tired to read, too bored to watch another movie. Looking forward to 2016 when I will be able to button my pants and get my hair up in a ponytail.

It feels like it’s been close to a whole rotation of Earth since my last post. Where in the holy cheeseballs does time go? It’s the last few days of playing the air guitar and practicing my touchdown moves. A few more days to go before a night of starvation, a few hours on the table and months of endless rehab. I have to admit I am not looking forward to this one. The nurse called today and asked if I felt ready, they must have sensed that I really don’t want to do this and that I might even plan to run away before Tuesday.

They asked the usual questions… any crazy diseases, sleep apnea or any other bad habits. It really cracks me up every time they ask about tobacco, alcohol and recreational drugs. Recreational drugs? This is the only place on earth where recreational drugs apparently are ok. The rest of the world understands that it is dangerous. You better count your brain cells people. Make sure you get your vitamin D, wear a seatbelt and drink your milk people, and then smoke some weed on your time off.

I am making lists, trying to figure out what I need to do and take care of as long as I have two functioning arms. Find a sub for school, work a little bit, prep lessons (have a new class of intense 6 year olds  again), iron, clean the house, mow the lawn one more time, prep dinners, bake… and the thing I do is going to the gym and now I am sitting here drinking coffee and eating. I baked and I am doing my best to finish a lot of it. When this is done and over with I will have to enlist a personal shamer, ahh I mean trainer, a personal coach to get life back on track or mostly to find me a new hobby and to teach me how to enjoy a slower life with long walks and light weights. Find some other type of racing that not includes shoulder dislocations and infections. Hey, slow walks and lifting light, it sounds like a Costco run…and there is nothing I dislike more. Hey, it’s basically the same price tag as Adventure Racing. You walk through the door and you owe 400.

Went through old programs and found this. Apparently I’ve worked out with only arm before.

The reality, people, is that life kind of sucks. Not just a little bit, real hard. Like, “hey, I heard 2012 was pretty nice for you so let’s throw in some sickness, pains and injuries in 2015 to make up for those fantastic and glorious days. And my mind is constantly with parts of the fantasticfighterfam in Sweden. I will even include a cheesy song for my sister at the end of this post.

I’ve got some interesting advice from a lot different people the past weeks and the sooner I can figure out how to accept unwanted advice gracefully the better. I know that you should always take every piece of advice anyone ever gives you with a grain of salt. But hearing that I should do nothing (or at most stretch a little bit) for 6 months or so is ridiculous. That’s just an insult. I have a theory that with rest comes movement. The body needs to heal up but it also needs to stay in movement, that’s what I am used to. You just have to make sure you move the right body parts. I am looking forward to some bike and versa time.

The kids have been home sick from school the past week and I tried to outsmart the bacteria but I finally lost the battle too. We hope this week will give us new strength and lots of oxygen in our lungs. We had a good weekend. A little schoolwork and then an Alaska reunion in Seattle. Team Boom Boom Pow decided to fly to Seattle for the game and we met up for drinks and some crab legs. It was a night filled with comparing injuries, remembering places and moments and talking about future races. It was a lot of “you had to be there” stories and it felt really good to share it with fellow racers. Good to know I am not the only one that spent endless, sleepless nights tossing and turning and re-living the glacier walk. So good to hug the ladies that smelled like roses this time. Hope we meet again soon.

https://youtu.be/xH2l3CjHDYM

The Chinese president is here around Redmond today and the Pope is visiting Obama. I think Obama’s visitor is far more exciting than ours. Europe is overflowing with immigrants and it feels like our feed is overflowing with Trump. The European issue is so sad and difficult to solve. The Trump story is interesting, and hopefully very short. When it is election here I just want people to think and look around. And take a look around the rest of the world. EOM.

It’s been a while since last and I even got a few emails asking if I am ok since I haven’t posted anything for a few weeks. I’ve been out and about, turned 40 something, been to a few games, played a few rounds, biked and got a bit lost, hiked Si with broken toes, laughed and even cried a little. Caroline and I hiked Si on Ross’ Day and sat up there until we got really cold. Then we let go of two balloons that stayed together as long as we could see. Fall showed up over one night and turned the trees into beautiful colors. Mornings are cold and evenings sunny and warm. Life moves fast. School started and with that more work. High school volleyball season is in full swing and that makes us all a bit occupied. Our house is like the Bermuda triangle, if you bring something in it disappears. I feel like I’m bringing in 10 grocery bags full of food every day but it never seems to be enough. Bags, shoes, snacks, lunch bags, laundry, piles of clothes… School started with a bang. Three kids in high school. Three cars backing out every morning and three different teams practicing every night.

I’m not really up to speed after Alaska. I know it’s been a while and I should be fully recovered. I feel tired and worn out, I sleep more than I ever do but it never seems to be enough. And you think I would put two and two together. But no. I kind of regrouped and started to plan for the next race. New Zeeland in April. Started to mentally prepare for rapids and kayaks. The water would be warmer this time. Counted backwards, gave myself a few months to rest up and planned on getting back on track in October, that gave me three months to rest/rehab my shoulder. My plan didn’t even work for a month. I could run 12 miles feeling great one day but not even move 2 miles without walking the next. I really hurt my shoulder and have been trying to rest, rehab and train myself. I have been working on getting my strength and mobility back but it’s a dead end. I can’t lift a book over my head without getting my shoulder dislocated. I have seen a few different doctors with more or less the same result, and I really didn’t want to hear or understand. But it’s really not much to say when you have it black on white, an MRI showing a gorgeous skeleton, a bit beat up and not very functioning. Even I can see the broken parts. My shoulder needs to be stitched up, anchored in, screwed back together. I set a date and will try to prepare for a few months with my arm in a sling and about 6-8 months with a non-working shoulder. I am not looking forward to it but the other option is probably worse. Pain doesn’t do you any good. It eats you up after a while and makes you miserable. Add on a few broken toes on one foot and an infection in a wisdom tooth and life really slaps you in the face. It’s been a heck of a few weeks. And yes, I still have my wisdom teeth…I am really trying to hold on to my good body parts.

First week of school, first week of fall and first week of running in pouring rain. September. Cashmere season. Woolen socks. Boots. Down coats. And raincoats. Let the fun begin. We all feel exhausted and I am not the one going to school every day.

Number of nails on feet, approximately 8.

Number of possible broken toes, approximately 1,5. And I am not going to give you the satisfaction of telling you how it happened.

Number of shoulders that needs repair. One. Maintenance is easier than repair for sure.

Car serviced and as good as new.

Bike tuned and worked on. Lots of broken stuff, I blame Alaskan Airlines. It can’t be the way I bike or the way I taped the bike box. I used a lot of tape.

Mentally balanced, who am I kidding. Very unbalanced. Close to unstable. Neeh, just kidding. I am as always very focused and close to boring serious.

I had a MRI for my shoulder/collarbone/shoulder blade that I somewhat tortured during the Alaska race and the first advice I got from my doctor was to find another hobby. I had surgery on that same shoulder 5 years ago and I guess I tore it all again. I don’t understand, I thought tape could fix everything. I guess time will tell. I know I need the rush, and I need the emptiness, the fatigue after a race. He was actually very concerned and told me to really think about what I can do to stay sane and happy. I don’t get that from a golf game or walking a dog. I guess I need to buy a new grand piano or a horse. Or move closer to an amusement park. I read an article about what happens in your body when you ride roller coasters, ride horses or jump cliffs. I get it and now I know why I like rides like that. Adrenaline, endorphins and dopamine free flowing. If you ask my mother she would say that it all started with climbing a tree at the age of 7. I climbed to the top and could see the whole city from there.

I have a birthday coming up in a week and it’s no secret how old or young I turn. It’s kind of a midlife age, still pretty young, but almost falling over the edge. Tipping over to the other side… turkey neck, winkles, flabby arms… If I get carded when buying wine it’s just because the guy behind the counter is trying to be nice, not because I look like I am close to 21. But let me just clear this up a bit and tell you how great it is to get older. I might be a bit wrinkly and have flabby arms but it’s so much better than 28 or 39. I don’t get more grown up than this. And I have been waiting for the maturity to kick in but it doesn’t seem to happen.

This last year has been an interesting one. Lots of highs and lows. We will always remember the day our friend Ross died. It will be one whole year tomorrow. We will climb a mountain and sit at the top, make an espresso, have a snack, and remember the good times.

The most amazing this year was the Alaska Race with lots and lots of highs but also some lows. The raft flip still kind of haunts me a little. It’s definitely the first time in my life I thought it was all over. I swallowed a lot of water and thought of my teammates how it would give them a lot of problems. I should probably do some pack rafting to get over that low point and move on. I was planning on another great race in NZ in April but it looks like my plans will change because of the shoulder injury. No fun.

So, what changed since in a year. Not much. I am just a year older and one whole year wiser. I wear boots when it’s raining, not because it’s cool with Hunters, I just don’t like when my feet get wet. And I do love my old green Barbour that smells like a wet dog even if my kids hate it. I don’t avoid going to the doctor or have my checkups. I keep track of the necessary stuff and things that matters, yearly checkups, blood pressure, mammograms and the opening hours at the gym. I really try to feed my kids well and keep them healthy. I don’t know about the part of raising them… still just winging it.

My body smiled when I woke up this morning. I ate a million pounds of crayfish yesterday, tasty small creatures. I am so grateful for good friends that invite us every year and I am always the last one eating. Absolutely amazing tasty little red things. And the singing was extraordinary yesterday thanks to the gentlemen around me.

I started this morning by baking cinnamon buns, writing a blog post about visiting a gym in Sweden but realized after a full page that I was probably the only one seeing the fun in it since I was the only one there to see the disaster of ink covered arms and mirror selfies. I will include a part of it anyway and probably make a few enemies on the way.

I just finished a book that made me think and rethink my core values and my belief in democracy. As you know I am born and raised Scandinavian. We have a sometimes naïve way of looking at the world, we believe in a world that only exists every now and then. And many of us have an attitude that nothing happens in our safe society and it proves to be wrong over and over again. It took me a few years in a new country to realize that we are unsuspecting. I know I have changed a bit the last few years. I read Åsne Seierstads En av oss/One of Us, a book about the massacre in Norway. I don’t know if I should recommend it or not, it made me feel sick and sad. And of course angry. I am meeting with my book club ladies next week and this is our first book of fall. Heck of a way to start out a new season.

This summer I spent a little more than a month in my hometown and a lot have changed since we moved. There are new houses all around Uppsala and the city really transformed. It is still a beautiful place and will always have a special place in our hearts.

During the summer the only form of proper exercise I usually try to keep up is running and some homemade strength with bands. This year Caroline and I joined a gym with a climbing wall. I needed to workout but had big issues with my body after Alaska but some easy gym time was perfect. Caroline needed to keep climbing over the summer so it worked out really well for both of us. The gym we decided to join is only a few years old, really nice and at a great location. This time of year Uppsala gets completely empty. All 25,000 students leave town and the rest seem to hide in their country houses. But we had the opportunity to meet a lot of people at the gym. This was actually the most interesting part of our trip. I felt like an alien and started to really evaluate my own behavior and “Swedishness”. Is the world changing and me too or did I actually stagnate in my development as human being?

I picked up a few things that I have to change to blend in for next time:

Clothes: Women my age wear long, black tights and a basic tank, always. Well that can’t be too difficult to change, only problem is that it’s summer and too warm to wear long tights. Younger women, transparent tights in a size too small and very tight fitting tops. Pink shoes. Guys, tank tops in thick cotton with big letters and pictures. I am sure I can find some old ones in my parents basement that would fit right in that I wore in 1982. Budweiser or MTV logos, preferably.

Footwear: Nike Air Max or just socks. Geezzz people. It doesn’t matter what you do, if you lift or run. Air Max with huge soles is apparently the way to look cool. Or even worse, socks, just socks. A lot of peeps lifted wearing only socks? 250lbs on your back and it feels so…safe?

Body: Ink, all over. You need a lot of tattoos to blend in. And make sure you flex a lot when you have people around you.

Hair and makeup: Needs to be done and make sure you look really cute. And if you are 30+ some botox around your lips will make you look like you are going to fall forward. If you are a man over 27 you should grow a beard and make sure you scratch it every three minutes.

Mirrors: Make sure you work out facing the mirrors. You really want to check yourself out and by all means, don’t forget to take pictures of yourself at every angle. And lips, pout!

First day at the gym. People notice there is a new person there but doesn’t think much of it. She looks a bit old and she is not wearing long, black tights. I walk around a little, try to find a foam roller, warm up on the treadmill for 15 min, locate the barbells but decide to hang out around the kettlebells and I found a 14 lbs medball. I get a good workout in, staying in my corner. Some serious people watching going on.

Day 2, same people. She is here again? Who the heck is she? I warm up and start talking to people around me. Is she a bit crazy? A couple of guys start to walk over to my corner to chat. I can’t remember the Swedish word for barbell and there are a few other words that my brain can’t remember. I am afraid I sound like Dolph Lundgren. I start to clean up, there are weights and other things all over the place. There’s a group of young men hanging around and they more or less lean on the barbells and talk. I haven’t really seen anyone lift so I ask if I can use the space. No, they are following their program and need the barbells. I can’t help it but it just slips out, “when I have a rest day I usually don’t take up space at the gym”. Let’s just say that I am happy to be home. If I move back I have a lot of work to do, get new clothes, botox and some interesting tattoos.

One more day to go before school starts and the depression fills the house like a bad smell. How will we survive another year of homework, tests and multiple choice questions? Not sure. The Swedish melancholy spreads like poison in your veins and I will try to cure it with a very sad song.

https://open.spotify.com/track/1IO3wBGVUuKwJgvXaRxT5V