There is a certain ease and weightlessness in balance. And I guess that is what we all aim for. Balance. In between, good/bad, just in the middle. A lot of days it feels like I am trying to get away from that default setting of being out of control. Ten years ago balancing full time work and three small children I thought time and balance was the same thing. As long as you have more time you feel like your life will be more in balance. That is not right. At this point I am not sure what balance is, hang around the house and move flowerpots around, or move things around on your pinterest board (I don’t even have one)… seeing people you care for, knowing where you are going, sleeping often and long, staying well educated, being fit and healthy… So far, half a life in and all I know for sure is that life is ebbs and flows of suck and happiness. Mostly happiness but some really sucky things too. I guess that is balance. Since we all learned that we need some bad to appreciate the good or is that just what people say? Do we get one bad shoulder to really enjoy and appreciate the good one? So freakin’ confused here. And I am pretty sure some people would say that God or a higher power has something to do with balance and appreciation too. For the record, I consider myself a very balanced person with a few outbursts every now and then. One of those outbursts happened last night. Cursing, kicking and feeling seriously pissed. And a bit disappointed to miss a nice night with good friends.

Let me tell you about water behind the refrigerator. Yesterday, late afternoon, I did some vacuuming and saw what I thought was some water on the floor all the way in the corner on the side of the enormous fridge. And of course it was water. Nothing scares me more than water on hardwood floors in a rental. Two hours later I find myself on the floor with tools around me, water turned off and a leak more or less fixed. In a black dress. In those two hours stuff happened. Two kids at home working around the house desperately trying to make me happy. We are talking headlights on, darkness, turning of water, a little bit of screaming, calling plumbers but realizing that I am man enough to fix this myself. And why do I hear Donny Osmond singing I’ll make a man out of you in my head? And one husband in another state texting me hints and tips. I declared for the kids that this means take out, the kitchen is not to be used. And I had to skip my planned event for the night since I didn’t want to leave the kids home alone without water. After driving around trying to decide what to eat we end up at a place we haven’t tried for a while. I am waiting for the food in my black plumbing dress and who seems like the owner walks in and gives me the most smashing, nice compliment. It was probably just a trick to make a customer happy but I sure am a sucker for nice compliments from random men. I guess this means balance, one nice compliment for a few shitty hours wrestling a fridge and trying to save the floor from water. And food was delish and company awesome. I decided to drink a Cotes the Rhone with my spicy chicken. And we ate with chop sticks in front of the TV watching old reruns of Big Bang. Balance. Kind of like marry trash with class.

Another thing I’ve been balancing for the last weeks (or years really) is my mind. It’s been almost two years since I removed my evil tumor from my leg and so far so good. At that same time it was found I was scanned for more tumors since this type usually likes company on specific places. Another one was found in my brain. Not the best place to hide tumors. I know now that this particular one seems to be slow growing and not very evil so it’s no danger on the roof as we Swedes would say (which makes no sense for the rest of the world but it is kind of fun to say). I’ve been to checkups and MRIs, been doing blood draws and keeping track of numbers this past two years. The worst part of things like this is not the contrast running through your brain, bumps and bruises you get or the time you spend at the hospital. That time is the easiest part because you can focus on the shots you get or the hours in the tube. (And to all of you that are claustrophobic…it passes after the 10^th time or so. It was a lot of negotiations with the technicians the first times but it passes, I even tried to bribe my way out. I fell asleep the last time. After this I even think I could go cave diving.) The worst part will be the days between the MRIs and the results, that’s when your balanced mind seriously get a blow. The second you get in to your car feeling healthy as a tiger shrimp you feel like someone hit you in the back of your head and your gut at the same time. But nothing is really different from yesterday and life goes on, right. And then it takes a few weeks to restore balance after a mental discharge. The only reason I am writing this is really because I got good news this time, nothing is growing. I am off the hook for a while or at least I don’t have to see the crew every season this coming year. I don’t need so frequent checkups as long as nothing happens. So this means restoring balance and figuring out what the next step in my life will be. Balance and letting it tip over to the positive side.

This is your only life…let’s make it sing loud.

This is the ultimate food weekend in this country. I am slowly adapting to all the American holidays and somehow melting them together with our Swedish ones. I really think Thanksgiving is a nice tradition and it’s good to look around you and be thankful for what you got. (The days after with Black Friday etc I don’t like.) The Swedish holidays includes more cooked food and traditions that goes back hundreds and hundreds of years. We are lucky that way. It’s food that is treated like gold, cured and salted, slow cooked and interesting. And every year it gets a bit more up to date and green. Christmas lasts for weeks, the sunlight in summer is celebrated with food and drinks and Easter is a full week of remembrance and food. I still haven’t figured out how the Easter bunny is connected to Jesus’ death. 🙂

So food, this constant rebel messing with peoples life’s. It’s a lot of stuff going on in my feed concerning food and training and it does not always go well together. The hated carbs, the yelled at fats and even fruit is dissed. Love all, serve all. Apparently a lot of people planned on eating endless amounts of food Thursday. I get it, turkey is tasty and all the fixings can be good too but how much is possible to eat and why? It sounds like it’s the only day of the year you get cooked food. Turkey is good food, lean meat, good protein. Why mess with it? We ate turkey, mash, stuffing, lots of veggies and a good sauce. With friends and family. (And what is the difference between a cream sauce and gravy? Is it the thickness? I prefer the not so thick sauce but you still need to cook it a few hours to get the taste deep with blackberries, wine and lots cream.) So back to eating a lot. I am really not liking when people say they have to earn their food, work up a good sweat to eat, do the work and get the reward. Food is not a reward, we should all get good food every day and we should all be able to cook up a good meal every day. It’s energy, it’s fuel for your body. Don’t teach your kids to eat up to get dessert. I don’t understand the reward system aka the cupcake hysteria. That was one of the first culture shocks when we moved here. Every time the kids did something good in school they came home with candy and cupcake frosting on their face. Dentists hands out lollipops and every holiday is celebrated with decorating cookies.

Be grateful for a good meal and if you are lucky to be able to run, workout or take a walk, good. But never feel like you have to burn calories to eat, it’s part of life, but it is your choice what you eat. But strength and endurance on the other hand – that is a reward of good work!

This past weekend I woke up and turned into the bitch from “beep”, I felt it when I opened my eyes Saturday morning and reached for my phone. Or more rolled out of bed to reach my phone since it is on my right side that is strapped up in a sling resting beautifully on an extra pillow. A very graceful roll. The grey’s in my hair is more visible then ever. The pale face is extra blueish. My body is extra everything with a sling on top of it. I look angry and old. What happened? I see it when I walk down the stairs. Stuff. Things. And a layer of dirt. Our house turned into a dorm room. I’ve been stepping over clothes, shoes, books, bags, kneepads, deflated balloons, etc. without really caring. And do I care now? Oh, yes. I woke up from a 17 day surgery depression feeling like “beep”. On a regular day I pick up stuff, move things around, wipe things off, fold laundry, empty garbage… I vacuum at least the kitchen every day, change towels, clean the kitchen, a get fresh grocery’s… I have done the absolute minimum for 17 days. Answering emails with my left hand takes double amount of time, prepping schoolwork takes days. Imagine how much stuff 5 adults with at least one practice per day, lunch bags, snack bags, homework, five extra computers… generate. Add on at least 10 changes of clothes including shoes every day since we are blessed with 3 teenage girls. I’ve done the regular 2-3 loads per day laundry but can’t fold it, so imagine what happens. I chopped an onion on Thursday. One onion, it felt like running a marathon. Unloading the dishwasher with one hand takes forever so I just give up. I have a butternut squash that has been staring at me for days. What did I think when I bought a whole squash and not the already cut up ones? How do you cut it up with one left hand? But I am awake now. And I am truly sorry for my behavior.

Biggest accomplishment so far: I am extremely right handed. I am lost without my right hand and I think it is connected to how my brain works, scary stuff. Filling up the car, swiping my card, unlocking the door, brushing my teeth… almost impossible. I managed to eat sushi with chop sticks with my left hand people! It is HUGE! I still have both my eyes.

Three weeks in, 30 something weeks to go and I just opened up my frozen membership at CrossFit. I am done. I am ready to move on but with the stinky sling still on. I should take a picture and post it on every single social media page I have, but let’s not push it people. It’s still a fine line between happy and insane.

The horrible mood changed after the weekend, after a very ugly breakdown throwing stuff and screaming not very pretty things. My Band and I are friends again. It gave me a nice 15000 steps and +2000 calories yesterday. We work together and we are doing fine.

Take your time reading this because it took me forever to write this with my left hand. Life is dandy. Five days after surgery and I am up. I am not going to bother you with a lot of details but it was all you could wish for. A nice comfy table, bright lights and sharp knives. The only thing that really worries me every time is the oxygen mask and the intubation, I know it’s kind of childish. I don’t like when people are holding stuff over my mouth. Last thing I remember is that I refused to get the mask fastened and I talked them into holding it myself. Two breaths and I am gone, same thing every time. And then it’s all over and I wake up with a sore throat. Everything went ok, I got a shoulder lift, new anchors and lots of stitches. Ice eating starts. And the getting dressed part is always interesting. This time I actually considered going home without something on waste up. Why bother? I am glad I didn’t get to decide.

The first day after felt pretty good and then the nerve block and meds eased off. Had a bit of side effects from the anesthesia as always, it’s not my thing really. I got the enormous bandage off day 2 and that was a little bit of a disappointment. I was promised that they were going to use my old holes from the last surgery but they gave me four new ones that looks like massive bullet holes. That makes it 8 holes all together and I guess my shoulder will look like Swiss cheese from now on. Evening day 2 I decide to go to the kids’ volleyball games. Not a very good idea. Can’t say I remember much except sweating buckets and feeling extremely uncomfortable, but they both won. Day 3, watched 4 movies and went to the grocery store in the afternoon. I can’t remember any of the movies I saw but know I considered making my own pizza dough with my left when planning dinner walking down the isles at QFC. Day 4, Saturday. Took a shower, drove the car and had to remove the huge sling to drive, walked around Redmond with one of the kids, went to a volleyball tournament. Woke up at 3am in grueling pain and for a short time considered chopping my arm off. No fun. So here I am at day 5 sitting still and thinking of taking a shower. And I am going to think about it for a while. I kind of moved a little bit too fast and need to take a step back. Of all the injuries and surgeries over the past years I think the shoulder of your dominant hand must be the worst. I can’t do anything. Laying down doesn’t work, sitting is uncomfortable and standing is even worse. Too tired to read, too bored to watch another movie. Looking forward to 2016 when I will be able to button my pants and get my hair up in a ponytail.

It feels like it’s been close to a whole rotation of Earth since my last post. Where in the holy cheeseballs does time go? It’s the last few days of playing the air guitar and practicing my touchdown moves. A few more days to go before a night of starvation, a few hours on the table and months of endless rehab. I have to admit I am not looking forward to this one. The nurse called today and asked if I felt ready, they must have sensed that I really don’t want to do this and that I might even plan to run away before Tuesday.

They asked the usual questions… any crazy diseases, sleep apnea or any other bad habits. It really cracks me up every time they ask about tobacco, alcohol and recreational drugs. Recreational drugs? This is the only place on earth where recreational drugs apparently are ok. The rest of the world understands that it is dangerous. You better count your brain cells people. Make sure you get your vitamin D, wear a seatbelt and drink your milk people, and then smoke some weed on your time off.

I am making lists, trying to figure out what I need to do and take care of as long as I have two functioning arms. Find a sub for school, work a little bit, prep lessons (have a new class of intense 6 year olds  again), iron, clean the house, mow the lawn one more time, prep dinners, bake… and the thing I do is going to the gym and now I am sitting here drinking coffee and eating. I baked and I am doing my best to finish a lot of it. When this is done and over with I will have to enlist a personal shamer, ahh I mean trainer, a personal coach to get life back on track or mostly to find me a new hobby and to teach me how to enjoy a slower life with long walks and light weights. Find some other type of racing that not includes shoulder dislocations and infections. Hey, slow walks and lifting light, it sounds like a Costco run…and there is nothing I dislike more. Hey, it’s basically the same price tag as Adventure Racing. You walk through the door and you owe 400.

Went through old programs and found this. Apparently I’ve worked out with only arm before.

The reality, people, is that life kind of sucks. Not just a little bit, real hard. Like, “hey, I heard 2012 was pretty nice for you so let’s throw in some sickness, pains and injuries in 2015 to make up for those fantastic and glorious days. And my mind is constantly with parts of the fantasticfighterfam in Sweden. I will even include a cheesy song for my sister at the end of this post.

I’ve got some interesting advice from a lot different people the past weeks and the sooner I can figure out how to accept unwanted advice gracefully the better. I know that you should always take every piece of advice anyone ever gives you with a grain of salt. But hearing that I should do nothing (or at most stretch a little bit) for 6 months or so is ridiculous. That’s just an insult. I have a theory that with rest comes movement. The body needs to heal up but it also needs to stay in movement, that’s what I am used to. You just have to make sure you move the right body parts. I am looking forward to some bike and versa time.

The kids have been home sick from school the past week and I tried to outsmart the bacteria but I finally lost the battle too. We hope this week will give us new strength and lots of oxygen in our lungs. We had a good weekend. A little schoolwork and then an Alaska reunion in Seattle. Team Boom Boom Pow decided to fly to Seattle for the game and we met up for drinks and some crab legs. It was a night filled with comparing injuries, remembering places and moments and talking about future races. It was a lot of “you had to be there” stories and it felt really good to share it with fellow racers. Good to know I am not the only one that spent endless, sleepless nights tossing and turning and re-living the glacier walk. So good to hug the ladies that smelled like roses this time. Hope we meet again soon.

https://youtu.be/xH2l3CjHDYM

The Chinese president is here around Redmond today and the Pope is visiting Obama. I think Obama’s visitor is far more exciting than ours. Europe is overflowing with immigrants and it feels like our feed is overflowing with Trump. The European issue is so sad and difficult to solve. The Trump story is interesting, and hopefully very short. When it is election here I just want people to think and look around. And take a look around the rest of the world. EOM.

It’s been a while since last and I even got a few emails asking if I am ok since I haven’t posted anything for a few weeks. I’ve been out and about, turned 40 something, been to a few games, played a few rounds, biked and got a bit lost, hiked Si with broken toes, laughed and even cried a little. Caroline and I hiked Si on Ross’ Day and sat up there until we got really cold. Then we let go of two balloons that stayed together as long as we could see. Fall showed up over one night and turned the trees into beautiful colors. Mornings are cold and evenings sunny and warm. Life moves fast. School started and with that more work. High school volleyball season is in full swing and that makes us all a bit occupied. Our house is like the Bermuda triangle, if you bring something in it disappears. I feel like I’m bringing in 10 grocery bags full of food every day but it never seems to be enough. Bags, shoes, snacks, lunch bags, laundry, piles of clothes… School started with a bang. Three kids in high school. Three cars backing out every morning and three different teams practicing every night.

I’m not really up to speed after Alaska. I know it’s been a while and I should be fully recovered. I feel tired and worn out, I sleep more than I ever do but it never seems to be enough. And you think I would put two and two together. But no. I kind of regrouped and started to plan for the next race. New Zeeland in April. Started to mentally prepare for rapids and kayaks. The water would be warmer this time. Counted backwards, gave myself a few months to rest up and planned on getting back on track in October, that gave me three months to rest/rehab my shoulder. My plan didn’t even work for a month. I could run 12 miles feeling great one day but not even move 2 miles without walking the next. I really hurt my shoulder and have been trying to rest, rehab and train myself. I have been working on getting my strength and mobility back but it’s a dead end. I can’t lift a book over my head without getting my shoulder dislocated. I have seen a few different doctors with more or less the same result, and I really didn’t want to hear or understand. But it’s really not much to say when you have it black on white, an MRI showing a gorgeous skeleton, a bit beat up and not very functioning. Even I can see the broken parts. My shoulder needs to be stitched up, anchored in, screwed back together. I set a date and will try to prepare for a few months with my arm in a sling and about 6-8 months with a non-working shoulder. I am not looking forward to it but the other option is probably worse. Pain doesn’t do you any good. It eats you up after a while and makes you miserable. Add on a few broken toes on one foot and an infection in a wisdom tooth and life really slaps you in the face. It’s been a heck of a few weeks. And yes, I still have my wisdom teeth…I am really trying to hold on to my good body parts.