Thursday night. Kids at late practice, garbage night, feet up. Made an extra batch of Bolognese that is still boiling. Life sure is exciting. I feel a bit broken. My right knee area is thick as a bratwurst and I have no clue what I’ve done. I just can’t believe it is overuse, ridiculous. Made an emergency visit at Mr Fix-it-all, our super fantastic chiropractor and he tried to ease it up a bit. I heard Power Plate and keep running, so I will keep running and shake it when I can. Blood flow is good. Always. I will focus on blood flow tomorrow.

I’ve been investing in training. Lots and lots of hours. Anything from 10 to 20 hours per week the last 6 months (or more the past 5 years or so). I have enjoyed more or less every hour. It is actually possible to enjoy even two hours bike/trainer in the garage starring at the wall. It takes some work but it is possible to turn around your mind. But lately my mind has been wondering off. I’ve have done things I like more and not what I need to do. Hold on here, you are going to hear a lot of whining, very unattractive, I know. I have focused more on pain, fatigue, not having enough time and not getting sleep. I have focused on my weaknesses and my problems, my tumors. And time just slipped. And now, here I am feeling like I am in terrible bad shape and not in any way ready for an Ironman. What I really want to do is a 24 hour wander on mountaintops and watch the stars and eat a sandwich, a long bike ride with lots of river crossings, long runs with beautiful views and heavy weights pushed over head, climb ropes and crazy overloaded sled pushes. I am terrified of swimming long, I am not a good swimmer. Back at goal setting and giving up on goals. I know I wrote about this in February and the sad thing is that I still think about it every day and every time I work out. Giving up is not my thing, I guess that is why I have such a big problem deciding. I pass the tri bike in the garage every morning and I feel like kicking it hard and I walk by and grab my mountain bike and take off. Probably a sign. Closing doors, opening new, at least a little window. Reevaluating, rethinking and re-doing. Will see what happens and what I decide before April is over.

Somehow it doesn’t work when I try to show a nice video from youtube. But click on the link and listen to Calum Scott singing Robyn’s Dancing on my own. Lovely.

https://youtu.be/6tU7x5bjNBo

What is going on in your head? Do you always have a clear mind and do you have a way of processing your thoughts? I do a lot of thinking when I run or hike, I solve problems and feel like I accomplish something. It should be the same thing with biking don’t you think? Apparently my mind doesn’t work that way. I didn’t look forward to my long bike ride this morning. One of the kids got up before I could call this morning a morning, it felt like it was still in the middle of the night when I heard the shower at 5.15. And there she was, beside my bed reminding me that it’s Tuesday mom, AP study group. Of course I remember… give me 10 minutes… And I heard the rain and wind even before I opened my eyes. I checked the weather on my phone and tried to negotiate with myself to switch days but I am a tough boss. Today was the day. Got lunch ready for the kids, ate breakfast, took one kid to study group, had more coffee, took one more kid to school. Tried to sneak in a smile to kid 3 before she drove off. She woke up a bit cranky. And who drove her car in to the garage and plugged it in last night, now she will be even more late. It will probably take 30 more seconds. Ouch.

I am back home. Maybe I should do some laundry? Clean up? Work? It’s raining. I feel miserable. And I better get dressed.

And I am on my way. It’s cold, the rain is splashing up my face, I look like a dork with a headband under my helmet. I forgot to bring sunglasses. And my back break doesn’t work. Convenient. I will not try to change breaks again. Have to remember to fix that. And why did I cut my hair off, I can’t braid it so it’s all around my face. So much traffic. And after 25 minutes I am on the trail, away from all traffic and now it’s time to relax. But no. One tree, two trees… Birds, more birds… Woodinville… aahhh move away from the trail birdies… boooring, booooring…hands are cold… It must be time for a snackbreak, or maybe not yet? An eagle is circulating over my head. Is he going to eat me? Passing people…who walks in pouring rain? Latte moms, walking all over the trail. Aahhh lucky runners… you should smile, you don’t know how lucky you are not biking… And I am in Bothell. This is my turnaround spot. I get off the bike and beside me strolls a handsome rooster. Well, hello. We chat a bit and off I go.

Finally snackbreak and I eat something that looks like a Kexchoklad but is seriously hard core s**t and taste cra*. Last time I ate this kind of bar was after 20 hours in a long race this past summer. I remembered it tasted divine that time. Not today. I keep on biking and I am pretty sure I will end up in Oregon soon.

The rain stops and I am home. 3,5 hours. I haven’t had time to think one good thought. I get a dog like behavior when I bike. I see things moving and I feel the urge to follow. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bird, a plastic bag or an interesting cement truck. And I look forward to tomorrow, it’s a long run day. And I will get a chance to think again.

Sunday morning. Wake up 6.30 and have time to stay in bed for 30 extra minutes. Lucky me. Maybe I should run? Yoga? Who am I kidding? The only time I do yoga is when I have broken body parts. I should, I know. I decide that I will spend 30 minutes visualizing my day. I have no fizzy water beside my bed. And… gone… I didn’t even get to visualize breakfast, I fell asleep in 30 seconds, very unusual. It’s pouring and the bridge is closed. Had breakfast, one extra cappuccino and it’s time to go. Lovely day at school. The weather is bad. I know I usually have a great view from the classroom but today it’s multiple shades of grey. Seattle weather.

Got into running mood after work. I walked by the treadmill in the garage a few times. Back again. Checked it out. Started breathing really deep to try out my poor lungs. And got a kind of now or never feeling. Må det bära eller brista liksom. New shoes, three pairs. Really eager to try the bubblegum colored Adidas with a foamy sole. I gave myself 12 minutes for each pair and if I could still breath, one mile outside in the pouring rain. Those first 36 minutes felt like 5. Jeeezz I love this. Still breathing problems but I just love running some days. Even on a really worn out treadmill in the garage facing a wall. 12 minutes x 3. Why 12 minutes? 10 felt short, 15 too long. Nike Free canary yellow, same as always, good not great, but a good shoe. Adidas Boost bubblegum pink, oh la la, heaven. Flyknit pink, same as always but a bit stiff. My toe with oldladyarthritis hurt. Got the bubblegum shoes on again and went outside. It’s pouring. Up and down on the street a few times. Stopped for a selfie (Yes, true. I had the feeling I needed to get those Adidas on a photo for proof. Adidas?!?) Lungs really burning but feel over all pretty good. Around the block once and it’s cold. What happened to spring? But feels great. I am done with being sick. And it’s a great pair of shoes.

I’ve had 10 days off running/biking/swimming for the first time in years. I am still thinking and considering not going to Idaho for the IronMan in June. I am indecisive, a sad word. I am waiting for… to feel it. In my head. I haven’t decided if I am giving up or letting go. Or maybe going through with it. It scares me. I am not ok with giving up. Then things are not resolved. Giving up is not good. Letting go can be a relief and peace. I’ve had so many people asking me why I am considering doing this race and the sad thing is that I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s a good goal. I know I will love it. I know. But I don’t know. I need a push. Feel free to give me a pep talk when we meet next time. Please do, I need it. And don’t mention that I am getting old, can get hurt or am training too much. I’ve heard enough of that and it’s not true.

Late afternoon. Off to Costco with 90% of the population on East side. I am getting a few things, the rest are there to fill up their houses, RVs and their boats. A new sofa, dog bed, canoe and please, buy some plants while you are at it. And don’t forget a new monster TV. And they all brought their five kids and the neighbors newborn twins. And a dog in a bag. I feel pretty done with kids for the day. Rushing out, it’s pouring down and the parking lot is a rule free zone. I thought you should look back when backing, silly me. Bad day for a Costco run. Got our stuff and rushed home to get the roast in the oven. Dinner with friends. And for dessert, booked a trip to Cali for some sun therapy.

And some quiet time. Feet up. Music on. Let’s start a new week.

Today’s wall balls almost broke me and I am spending the rest of the morning sitting down with the company of outlook. Try breathing really fast through a straw and squat at the same time. That’s how it feels when you don’t sleep enough, pretend you are 23 when you run intervals and then lift some weights on top of that. The body is a mystery and it’s difficult to reason with it.

The day started out well here. I got about 4 hours of restless sleep after a doppio last night. Worth it? I think not. I woke up at 5.20 singing Bailando by Enrique Iglesias. I don’t know why, probably something hidden in the back of my mind or deep buried in my childhood memories. But it’s kind of catchy. To really etch it into my memory I played it in the car on the way to the gym and I made an attempt to dance sitting this Wednesday morning. And I worked hard on my Spanglish lisp. I went to the gym to get my intervals done around 6am. The place is packed, all treadmills are all taken and people are working out in a frantic way. I really regret going and I move to a versa climber in a dark corner after my run. And I put Bailando on repeat. What is wrong with me? Time for a shrink?

I have a strange relationship to music. The more the merrier. Spotify is on every waking hour, mixed with a few pods and news on the radio. I grew up with a overload of Frank Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen, opera, musicals, Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, Abba, Gyllene Tider, Noise and Frank Zappa and I must admit that I love it all. I remember when I made my grandparents listen to a full album of Wham, I could lipsync Tina Turner by the age of 8 and I got chills from listening to Putin’on the Ritz with Taco over and over again in the 80s. Those were the days. My first Bryan Adams concert was magical. And I still cry a little when I get to watch and listen to Sting live. Going to the opera makes my heart grow and burst.

My playlists probably reflects my extremely confused mind. Even my kids think something is wrong when I plug in my phone in the car. So, from me to you. My most played songs on my Spotify January 2015. And if you see a middle aged woman dancing in the car it’s probably me.

singinginthecar

This must be the perfect day to complain, feel sorry for myself and start over and get that darned try hard feeling back in my body and mind. Try hard! You want to be that person that goes all in. I think I’ve sank as low as I can and am working my way back up. I felt my tears behind my blinking eyes today, feeling overwhelmed and extremely tired but in a weird way excited at the same time. I lost my mojo and I think it’s time to take it back. I am of course the same person yesterday, today and tomorrow, a big bundle of joy. Drinking too much expensive, fancy European fizzy water, overusing Spotify, eating too much and too well but I will for sure take shorter showers, bike more and laugh every time I wear my swim goggles. That’s my plan. And I will stop drinking coffee after 9pm since I really enjoy sleeping.

I’ve been cheating. And it’s not like me. I have this perfect program set up for me that basically is set to make me successful and race ready. The January program gave me everything I could wish for and a little bit more. Did I do it all, the bike rides, the run intervals, the swims? No. Somehow I misread the handwritten piece of paper and added on a few runs, subtracted a lot of swims and bike rides and added on a lot of CrossFit classes. A lot. A big math fail. I taped up the program in the laundry room, on the way out to the garage. I passed it 10 times per day. I checked it every day but somehow 1400m swims became deadlifts and rows, 20 miles bike rides became slow 2 hour runs in the rain and long slow hikes in the mountains. I even stopped and took awesome pictures on my runs and hikes, that’s low. My biceps looks pretty decent but my endurance sucks. I learned how to climb ropes all the way up to the ceiling but I forgot how to climb a mountain on my bike. I reached my low point the other day when I had to walk the last part of my regular hill. When I reached the top I met a coyote that eyeballed me and wanted to race. I talked to him, tried to scare him off, ran fast but stopped after a while and told him that I don’t care. I even explained to him that I cheated on my intervals the past months so he could run as fast as he wanted, I couldn’t care less. He lost interest and I walked back.

I started out the year sick, I had a cold that decided to take over my system and suck out the last of my positive attitude and my swimming ability. It can’t be good to rinse your sinuses with pool water filled with bacteria’s when you can breathe mountain air. January is almost over and my penicillin jar is finally empty. And the bottom line, it is so much easier to take a class or 10 or 15 than to go to the pool. Why? I don’t know. Is it the chlorine? The first cold 10 seconds that makes your heart skip a beat and almost stop? The breathless exhaustion after a few laps? The inconvenience of using a hairdryer after swimming? The annoying feeling when you have to share a lane? I tried, I did. I tried really hard. I went to the pool a few times. I even swam a few laps. But somehow I always found someone to talk to or a good reason to sit in the hot tub.

It’s almost a new month. A new month means a new training program. 28 new, fresh days of swimming, biking and running. And a few rare days of CrossFit. Fresh days, new days, new opportunities. With this new month comes a new way of living. After swimming today I realized that it’s time for “Gundeshowers” again. I am back to the months before ÖtillÖ when I ran around Redmond wearing a wetsuit as everyday attire and taking showers 2-3 times per day. You shower before and after swimming, after running, after biking and sometimes just because you need to take a shower. You waste a lot of time in the shower. Gunde Svan timed his showers. 28 seconds. That’s how long it takes to rinse and shake. You don’t even have time to start heating up. And forget about using both shampoo and conditioner. Choices, life is all about choices.

So, it’s time to start planning life around swim/bike/run sessions, around showers, flat tires, lunch breaks and snacks, hardboiled eggs and cashews, selleri sticks and nutbutter. It’s time to make better choices. And take shorter showers.

And if you wake up early May 23^rd and feel like a long bike ride please give me a call. I have a 112 miles ride that day and would probably love some company. The hot tub days are over and forget about chatting in the locker room, a warm latte with a friend or god forbid a long lunch date at the club.